You may be wondering where the hell I’ve been. You see, when you’re gone for so long it’ll spark some pretty wild rumors about your absence. In fact, I heard though the grapevine that I was:

  • Raped by a pack of wild boars in the heart of the Amazon Forest
  • Incapacitated and had an unscrupulous surgeon sell my kidneys for 20 bucks
  • Lobotomized and had my head transplanted on a hot woman’s body
  • On a journey of self-realization in a secluded Tibetan monastery where I learned how to levitate
  • Scaled Mount Kilimanjaro and planted the Philippine flag on its peak

As much as I hate to disappoint you guys, those things aren’t true. You see, it was a pack of wild gorillas, not boars.

No, what I meant was…

Never mind.

Before I end up telling you more than what you need to know, let me tell you what happened to me this last month:

I’ve been touring the world non-stop with the sultry and seductive Reon Kadena when the nefarious Dr. No decided to hatch another evil scheme of world domination involving lasers, satellites and a vibrating rubber duckie (don’t ask). Agent Q contacted me through my wristwatch communicator and told me I had to stop Dr. No now, as I was the free world’s only hope. I had no choice but to oblige.

Although it was a painful decision to leave Reon Kadena alone on some possibly dangerous exotic island, I had to save the world. I got on my private jet and headed to Dr. No’s private island. However, as I neared the evil doctor’s lair a dozen missiles were launched from his island, all aimed at me! I had to actually take the damn jet out of autopilot and do some slick maneuvering, but alas! One of the missiles scratched my new paint job. Dr. No will pay. Dearly.

As I landed, I got my Segway out and proceeded to execute a one-man siege on his castle. And I saw six colorful spandex-clad warriors emerge from the shadows to engage me in combat.

Ah, so the evil doctor sent me some heavily-armed henchmen to take me down, eh? I grabbed a grenade from my Patented Ninja Utility Belt™ and sent those guys to smithereens. I was able to enter the castle with nary a scratch.

I was feeling confident as I entered the dark, brooding castle of my nemesis. However, I didn’t anticipate the traps that the doctor had lain throughout his castle. Oh noes! I accidentally tripped a laser sensor. What defensive system did I trigger? Could it be the motion-sensitive machine gun system? Or the deadly man-slaughtering robots? Or could it be some unspeakable horror, just waiting to pounce on me when I unsuspectingly turn around a corner?

Then it happened.

The whole castle was suddenly bathed in light. Then I heard a sound beyond horror. It was a tone-deaf man singing a Barbara Streisand ballad, karaoke-style, looped over the PA! Not even my vast experience in teaching a clueless American halfway around the world on how to set up a wireless network in his home could prepare me for this monstrosity. I felt my strength waning. I was blacking out. Oh no, this can’t be the end.

When I came to, I realized that I was lying on a table, with my wrists and ankles bound to it by leather straps. Because somebody used leather to constrain me, I was eagerly waiting for a leather-clad dominatrix brandishing a whip to enter the room. Imagine my disappointment when I saw only Dr. No (sans leather). He goes talking about how feeble a man I am, and that he will kill me, and he will rule the world through his rubber duckie.

I was preparing for my imminent death when a wall was suddenly blasted to bits. And guess who was on the other side?

Grabbing a roll of duct tape and a couple of paper clips, MacGyver (I never did find out what his first name was) was able to create a smoke bomb that blinded Dr. No. He then proceeded to create a duct tape switchblade to remove my restraints.

Thanking him profusely, I grabbed a time bomb from my Patented Ninja Utility Belt™, set it to detonate within an hour, and set it on his central computer system. However, when we reached the shore, my private jet was missing.

I was already aghast by the sudden turn of events when Mac said “Fear not. All we need is a couple of coconuts, a pencil, your shoelace, and a toenail clipper.”

I immediately produced all those items he requested. Brandishing the duct tape, he immediately produced a working jet in no time. We escaped the island just as it was about to explode. I told Mac to drop me off at the other island so I can resume my world tour.

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