I’ve had a Facebook account for some time now and it’s been pretty good to me so far. I love dicking around with the apps in Facebook, and yeah, my account is kinda cluttered right now due to the 100+ apps I installed on it. I’ve actually been meaning to get rid of an app or two, but I’m having too much fun poking Sasha (I swear, it’s not as dirty as it sounds), defenestrating Steel via Superpoke, drawing penises on Baddie‘s profile, and buying beer for everyone. Okay, the beer is virtual, and free, but it’s the thought that counts, right? No? K.

But I digress.

You see, I’ve noticed that some of my friends, namely Adam, Mike, Fritz, Lauren, Pau, Steel, Helga and Bim, have taken a keen interest in this Facebook app called Warbook.

It’s this game where you build yourself a kingdom, hoard gold and land, build an army, and when your army becomes strong enough, you attack other kingdoms and pillage their land. But of course, you have to protect your land and defend your women.

Of course I find this talk of war and murder and pillaging boring. You see, I am a cultured man and I take no interest in destroying the lives of millions of (virtual) subjects for the sake of war glory. What a barbaric. So I refused to partake in this “Warbook” thingamajig, thinking that I’m better off Superpoking all my female friends on Facebook (again, let’s not think dirty, people. Please).

The Beginning

Since my friends do nothing but talk about Warbook strategies all day, I’d get lost in a conversation when they start talking about armies and soldiers and pikemen and berserkers and manna and wizards and moguls and all that. I mean, they could insert a discussion about imaginary pink unicorns while they’re at it and I wouldn’t understand the difference. For all I care, they might as well be having a talk about Mesopotamian history and culture and how it relates to the rise of Adolph Hitler and Chuck Norris. And buttsecks.

So I finally decided to check Warbook out. And since I’m at it, I decided to take things further: I will totally rule Warbook and pwn everyone’s asses.

 

Choosing Your Hero Type

This is very important. The Hero Type determines what sort of strategy you will come up with and how you will react to different situations. Choose your hero type very carefully.

Here are the different Hero Types (definitions taken from the Warbook Manual):

  • Visionary – The visionary is the ultimate defensive hero, able to withstand devastating assaults from the opposition.
  • General – The general is a balanced militaristic hero who can either attack or defend with competence.
  • Warmonger – The warmonger is a purely offensive hero whose units pack a serious punch when attacking.
  • Mogul – The mogul is all about trade and income. Although the mogul’s military might seem weaker, one cannot underestimate the power of money.
  • Magician – The magician is a powerful magical hero, who prefers using magic over using brute force.

Since I want to rule Warbook quickly with an iron fist, I choose the Hero type best suited to my goals. I want to pillage lands and rape my enemies’ women as quickly and as efficiently as possible, and I choose to become a Warmonger.

Because I am ruthless and merciless like that.

The Nom de Guerre

The Nom de Guerre, or “name of war”, is also quite important. It is imperative that you choose a pseudonym that strikes fear into the hearts of your enemies. Think about it: if you get attacked by somebody named “Pink Fluffy Bunnies the Googly-Eyed” it’s not really gonna give us much of a shock-and-awe effect, right? Now you see the importance of a really scary name. I was actually thinking of going for a name like “Ade the Noisy”, but then it doesn’t tell much of my ruthlessness to your enemies. It only tells them that they don’t want to sit beside me in a theater.

So I’ve checked my friends names in Warbook, and they have some really awesomific names:

  • Gorr the Destroyer (Jayvee)
  • the inquisition here we gow (JM)
  • Diegong Twalya (Mikey)
  • Helga The Weber (Helga)
  • pink5 (Riz)
  • Marko Severo (Marco, the Site Guy)
  • Richard Masterson (Rico)
  • Corinthian (Fritz)
  • Lolcelot (Steel)
  • Colin Pantsworthy (Pau)
  • Dragonfang (Bim)
  • Laurian (Lauren)
  • Mordo the Fat (Adam Mordo)

Okay, I’ll let you pick up your face from the floor because I know that list totally rocked your face off as it did mine.

So after much pondering, I decided to go with the handle I have always used since 2002: DarkSpear. Yeah, it conjures up dark and mystical images of unbeatable flesh-eating undead armies and magical weapons. Imagine: a Warmonger named DarkSpear. Are you shaking in your chair now?

Google Image Search Result for “Darkspear”

I talk to Lauren about my name choice, expecting her to shake with fear at my name. Instead I got this:

ME: I’ve chosen a handle.
Lauren: Tell me all about it!
ME: It’s… drumroll please… DarkSpear.
Lauren: um.
ME: Well…?
Lauren: um.
ME: You’re not wetting your pants in fear?
Lauren: Um. No.
ME: Do you not feel an urge to retreat just at the very mention of my name?
Lauren: Let me think. No.
ME: Crap, DarkSpear conjures up images of fear in my head!
Lauren: Actually–
ME: What?
Lauren: “DarkSpear” conjures up images of black men with ginormous penises.
ME: Um.
Lauren: But thinking about it… yeah, that’s pretty scary too.
ME: See? I win! I win!
Lauren: No.

Something tells me I should’ve used “Biggus Dickus” instead.

Create Your Kingdom

Now that I’ve got a kickass hero type and a kickass but slightly gay-ish war name, it’s time to create my kingdom. Warbook provides newbies with a two-hour protection from any attack (it’s magical, don’t ask) so that you can build up your kingdom withot any interference from those pesky raiders. Also, it’ll give you time to build your harem. Because harems are important like that.

First, you need to amass lots of land and gold. and that’s quite easy. Just explore, explore, explore, and you have lots of land to do your bidding. Now build mines on that land, you get gold. The more gold you get, the more you can afford exploring for more land. Also, if you have enough gold, it’s time to build your army.

Building Your Army

There are different types of units that you can use for your Warbook-conquering army. These units are: Soldiers, Knights, Pikemen, and the Elites. In battle, the Knights and the Elites can do the most damage to the enemy, but their defensive skills suck. That’s what the Pikemen are for. They offer the best defense, but their fighting skills are made of suck.

How you build your army is totally up to you. I, for one, prefer to stock up on my Elite force (the Warmonger Elites are called Berserkers). However, they can get really expensive. The damned divas.


My Berserkers, erstwhile known as “Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Now if I could only find a way to infect my soldiers with syphilis. Now that would really pwn my enemies’ asses.

I know that wasn’t not really the best metaphor to use. Go away.

WAR!!11

Your two hours of peace are up. You’ve spent the last two hours obtaining gold, recruiting and training your army. You are ready. Time to attack.


That’s for rejecting my friend request, bitch!

I would advise against attacking blindly anybody who looks like a good target. That’s what the Spy spell is for (yes, we can do magic. It’s all virtual, ya knoes!). We can actually know the size of our enemy’s army and how much gold that opposing kingdom has. It will tell us if we can pwn the opposing army or not. Also, knowing how much gold there is for the taking will tell us if the kingdom is worth the effort.

Join alliances! I know, Warbook domination can only be done by one person, but the combined strength of these like-minded people will make your enemies shake in fear. Imagine us Warmongers banding together. Plus add a few Wizards, and a Mogul to give us money when the supplies run low. We’re unstoppable. Rape will be inevitable.

Conclusion

So now I’m ready to rule Warbook with an iron fist and nobody can stop me. And I now launch my first foray into war:


Um.

 

I think my world domination plans need a little more work.

And so, Ade “DarkSpear” Magnaye, Level 10 Warmonger of Codex Zabulon has spoken. Hear his words!

So, are you into Warbook? What are your favorite Warbook strategies? Tell me all about it by leaving a comment!