In a few weeks, almost everyone I know will be celebrating Valentine’s Day. You know, that day where chocolate manufacturers, contraceptive vendors, and seedy motels will make a killing. Also, it’s the day where everyone gets to shack up with someone and be generally happy. I, on the other hand, will probably be shacked up in my  room, watching the shit out of my DVDs of CSI: Las Vegas Seasons 1-7 while I cry my eyes out in loneliness. And lust.

So, yeah, I don’t have a date for the big V-day yet. It’s not like I haven’t tried. I’ve been all over my phonebook, calling girls left and right, asking if they could spare an hour or two for a valentine’s date. Even the ugly ones. But sadly, I’ve been getting rejected left and right. And these are possibly the top 10 rejections I got so far:

  • “I already have a date. I’m sorry.”
  • “I’d love to, but my dad swears he’d blow your brains off with his trusty shotgun if he sees you within twelve meters of me.”
  • “Wait, don’t you owe me money? You sonofabitch, pay me back- Hello? Hello?”
  • “You gave me herpes the last time. No.”
  • “If you promise to regurgitate my dead hamster after you swallowed it all those years ago, I’ll go out with you. With a chaperon.”
  • “You see, my older sister doesn’t like you and she thinks that you have no direction in life and apparently I can’t think for myself, so… no.”
  • “I’d date you if you only have sex with 20 pigs in one sitting. No, it doesn’t mean you have a chance, I was being sarcastic, you dumbass.”
  • “I have a penis now and I don’t swing that way anymore. Sorry.”
  • “Ade? More like GAYde!”
  • “If you break that restraining order again, I swear, I will fucking kill you.”

As you can see, my luck in finding me a date is nil. That said, I shall probably not celebrate valentine’s as the universally accepted day of love and bliss, but from hereon until I get somebody to celebrate it with, February 14 shall be known to all humankind as Venereal Disease Day! I wish you all herpes and syphilis and pubic lice and all those other scary things you might get from a two-cent whore!

No, not really. I won’t be that mean, especially on Kris Aquino’s birthday.

So for all of you who’ll be spending February 14 in loving bliss and eternal mushiness and all that emo stuff you can only think of when you’re in love, I greet you all a happy Kris Aquino birthday. Assholes.

So, how are you gonna spend V-day? Post a comment and watch me die in envy.

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