One of the biggest reasons why I bought an ASUS Eee (which I call “MacEnvy” because of its uncanny similarity with a MacBook) is the form factor. I mean, it’s so frigging small and cute that it’s a guaranteed chick magnet. Not unlike using a very cute baby to walk around the mall with, in the hopes of finding an extremely hot lady who’ll go googly-eyed over the kid.

But then if I had a cute baby on me I wouldn’t need to go around hunting for women, and kidnapping a baby to use as woman bait is out of the question (I promise to never do it again), I’d have to make do with this cute and sexy laptop of mine. I can actually imagine myself, hanging out at the Gateway foodcourt, leeching the shit out of their free wi-fi because I’m too cheap to buy a router, with my Eee, surfing the internet, writing a blog entry, and all that. Then, a really hot lady would walk up to me, and the following conversation ensues:

Lady: Excuse me.
Me: Yes?
Lady: I know you’re pretty busy and all but that is like the sexiest laptop I have ever set my eyes on.
Me: Oh, why thank you dear. Would you like to touch my, um, laptop?
Lady: Only on one condition.
Me: And that is?
Lady: I’ll touch your laptop if you touch my desktop. At home.
Me: Deal. Also, secks?
Lady: Yes.

Terrible sexual innuendos aside, though, the Eee is indeed an attention-grabber. I’ve been getting looks from various people whenever I bring it along. But I think it’s more of the “hey, isn’t that the fat guy who’s been looking at us in a perverted way and tried to steal the brownies we’ve been eating? Should we call the cops?” look.

Anyway, I decided to check the woman-grabbing capabilities of the Eee by bringing it along when I met up with Lauren one time. As soon as I pulled out the Eee, she immediately screamed “It’s sooo small!”

As I was fully clothed during that time, I was pretty sure it wasn’t my penis she was talking about (it’s not small).

And as I did the finger pyramid of evil contemplation, I thought “It works.” But if you were thinking if she asked me to touch her desktop and brought me home, you’re wrong. Because I then made a very big mistake. I decided to show off more, and I opened up Doom, because somehow installing a 15-year old DOS-based game on a Linux machine is awesome. At which point it all went to pieces:

Me: Um, Lauren?
Lauren: Shut up. Playing.
Me: Yes, but–
Lauren: DIE YOU FREAKING MONSTER DIE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Um…
Lauren: Hey, what’s that cheat code again?
Me: Cheat code? You mean… IDKFA? IDDQD? IDCHOPPERS?
Lauren: I HAZ CHAINSAWZ! AND GOD MODEZZZZ! NOW I CAN KILL MOAR!11one
Me:
Lauren: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE! DIE! DIE! I SAW YOUR GONADS OFF, BITCH!
Me: Uuuum.
Lauren: BRING IT ON, SATAN! YOU CANNOT STAND THE MIGHT OF MY CHAINSAW!

At this point I decided to give up any attempt to bring up any conversation with her, intelligent or otherwise and just decided to bring out my stack of comics which I read. In a freaking Starbucks. In front of a gleeful girl busily having geekgasms to gorily killing off monsters in an 8-bit game. Awesome.

Such dorky geeks we are.