“Oh my God! This dress is just so divine!!!”

This is the phrase that would make most men cringe with agony. You and your girl are on a date, debating the fine line between barbarism and justice with Saddam’s execution (something you know absolutely nothing about, but pretend to be a genius on so you can finally get laid) when you suddenly pass by Mango. And just like that, you are suddenly forgotten and suddenly the world seems to revolve around the amazingly overpriced jeans, shirts, fur coats, and other merchandise that they sell. But you’d suddenly make a rude reentry in her universe come payment time.

“Buy. It. For. Me. PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!”

The aftermath of said reentry in her universe would be:

  • Your diet would consist of Lucky Me instant noodles until the next payday
  • You’d be selling your house (and your mother) so you’d be able to afford your laundry
  • You’re riding a bike to be able to go to your office in Makati. You live in Bulacan.
  • Basically, you can afford buying her ten more dresses in that price range, but you’re just a miser and you pretend to blame her for your apparent poverty just for kicks.

So, how to avoid the dreaded shopping request?

Guerrilla Tactics

Before you roam the mall, make sure you’ve already memorized the mall’s layout so you can avoid any clothing store successfully. Y’know, when you get dangerously close to a shop, you grab her arm in the pretense of being sweet and steer her away from that godforsaken store. However, this strategy may lead to unfortunate results such as this:

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Girl: Oh good, Zara is this way… they’re having an awesome sale-
You: Oh look! Toasters! Let’s go this way!
Girl: But… Zara… clothes
You: Toasters are this way! Toasters are like so awesome!
Girl: You bring me to Zara this very moment young man, or you’ll go home with your testicles in your mouth.
You: OMG!
Girl
: LOL
You: WTF
Girl
: sux0rZZZ

iPod: Your saviour

I know, it’s such an ugly sight to see people walking around the Ortigas area with iPod ‘buds in their ears and being oblivious to the ten-wheeler truck with the drunk driver barreling their way. In other words, if you look like a refugee from the Atrocities of Friendster, iPods, however cool and trendy they are, just don’t make you look cool. Sorry.

But iPods, leading cause of death for fags and posers as they are, can save your bank account (provided that you and/or your “benefactors” can afford it). Just put a pair of iPod ‘buds in your ears, put it at extremely loud volume, and pretend to go deaf. Make sure you’re not listening to Spongecola or Rocksteddy because everyone will be able to hear that your musical tastes are shitty and laugh at you. And call you fat.

Feign Poverty

This should be considered a last resort. If your girl pulls out your iPod earphones out of your, er, ears and demands that you buy her the dress, you’re in deep shit. There’s absolutley no way to talk yourself out of that situation. But of course, you can always feign poverty.

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See that fine-looking gentleman on the left? That is how you should get dressed on a date.

Let me describe the fine art of feigning poverty:

  • Do not get a bath for two months
  • Make sure you dress in only the flimsiest t-shirt that you can find in your local grabage dump
  • Don’t wear underwear. Make sure that your ‘nads are showing through your shorts
  • If you DO feel the need to wear underwear, an SM Hypermarket grocery bag will do. Don’t go for those fancy boxer-type shorts
  • Grow your hair and don’t shave so you’d look like Vic Sotto during his VST & Co. days.
  • Make sure you have that nice, soothing aroma of rotten meat mixed with human, um, you-know-what.

If you follow these steps carefully and to the letter, I can assure you that your girl won’t be asking you for anything anymore. I’m sure you’d even find yourself with a load of dates you can’t even handle. Trust me.