I really don’t have a problem with dumb movies, mind you. You’re reading the blog of the guy who’s enjoyed the fuck out of a movie of a girl who attached a machine gun to her severed arm and single-handedly took revenge against the Yakuza. However, even if we stretch verisimilitude to its breaking point, sometimes it’s just not enough to help me enjoy a movie as much as I am supposed to. Transformers: Dark of the Moon is one such example. If I wanted to watch a movie with intricate plots that’ll force me to focus all my attention to every single detail so when the twist comes I’d be blown out of my mind, I’d simply stay at home, grab my DVDs of the Godfather trilogy, and watch the shit out of that. (SPOILER ALERT: I don’t really have a Godfather DVD collection. However, I have Barely Legal #5-23, but that’s a completely different story.)

Please don’t try to throw in a plot in my Transformers movies, especially when you have a director who can’t tell the difference between a nice, coherent plot and a drooling dog. You see, the story is a Frankensten’s monster of plot threads thrown together at random, and they try to distract us from the stupidity of the story by throwing explosions, T&A, and robots all over the place.

 

Pictured: shitty life

Pictured: shitty life

So. Plot. SPOILER ALERT, GUYS. Shia LaBeouf can’t find a job, and is complaining how shitty his life is. Yeah, life is shitty for the guy who lives in a nice, spacious, well-furnished apartment and gets to bang a hot British chick after Megan Fox dumped him. Okay, so he has a shitty car, because Bumblebee’s off on a secret mission with the rest of the Autobots to, um, kill terrorists. Sam Witwicky gets a job with John Malcovich, and gets sexually harassed by Ken Jeong.

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Meanwhile, on the moon, the Autobots discover an old spaceship that was shot down by the Decepticons (THEY FINALLY PUT THE ARK IN THE MOVIE THANK FUCKING GOD) that contains the sleeping form of the legendary Autobot leader, Sentinel Prime. What they don’t know is that Sentinel Prime made a deal with the Decepticons and they get betrayed and blown to bits. Why Sentinel Prime doesn’t mind the fact that the Decepticons, the very race he decided to help, blew up his ship is beyond me. Oh, and also, it took a little over an hour before the plot threads finally came together (what plot threads?) and we finally get some ROBOTS EXPLODING THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER. Really? A fucking hour?

 

Gigantic planes that are piloted by robots that can turn into planes.

Then somehow, the humans decide it would be best if the Autobots leave the planet, so the Autobots go on a giant rocket that the Decepticons blow up. Now that the Autobots are gone, the Decepticons blow up Chicago, and decide the best way to enslave humanity is by bringing Cybertron to earth. I… uh… yeah. Then apparently, the Autobots aren’t really dead, but they just decided to sit back and let Chicago get blown to bits because, according to Optimus Prime, they want to give the humans a lesson on how dangerous the Decepticons are. The protectors of our planet, ladies and gentlemen!

 

Optimus Prime: World-class asshole.

Thankfully, the second half of the movie makes up for the stupidity of the plot by giving us non-stop explosions and robot action. Unfortunately, I still had to deal with the ridiculous story of the first half where nothing absolutely happened, except for the horror of seeing Ken Jeong almost giving Shia LaBeouf a blowjob. Also, the guy sitting beside me fell asleep and was snoring loudly.

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Also, seeing Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in various states of undress helped me enjoy this film. A lot.

You might think that I hated this movie with all the complaints I’ve wasted a few paragraphs on. To be honest, I kind of enjoyed Transformers: Dark of the Moon, despite its stupid title and dragging, pointless first half. I wanted to see giant robots punching each other in the face while shit around them blows up, and the movie did not disappoint. It’s big, loud, and dumb, and I got exactly what I expected. The Bayformers trilogy has ended with a bang. I just wish the robot aliens from my childhood were given more dignity in their movies, though.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is better than the previous movie, thankfully. But it still is the typical Michael Bay movie, and if you want to get the complete Michael Bay experience, look no further than this site.

What do you think of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, though? Gimme your opinions in the comments!