Name: Ade Magnaye
Hometown: The Wonderful City of Quezon… City
Birthday: April 23
Zodiac Sign: Red Bull
Motto: Ang balat nito ay genuine, international pa ang mga design.
I’m Ade, TMB’s resident “guy everyone picks on and make fun of because he’s a fattie. And effeminate. No, not gay. Just gay enough.” Back when I was seven I stood on a stage in front of two hundred people and sang “Tomorrow” by Barbara Streisand. That scarred me for life, and now I can never ever see Barbara Streisand’s picture without going into an epileptic fit.
That’s probably the only memorable event from my childhood, because the rest is just a monotonous blur of school, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles porn, and my head being dunked into a toilet bowl.
Who was your first crush?
Back when I was in kindergarten, I used to have a crush on this girl who lived three houses away from me. She was around fifteen years older than me, and ugly as hell. I used to hide out behind the garbage can outside her house, ready to pounce on her with a handful of crushed tsoknat and a bouquet of wilted gumamelas. Last thing I heard, she got knocked up by a guy who looks just like her. Serves her right for calling the cops that one time. Okay, I had nothing else better to do. I was a kid, okay? Get off my back, you stuffy old crone with outdated norms.
Not my first crush
Love is that warm, sticky, mushy feeling your heart gets into. You become happy for an hour, a day, a week, a decade, and then the mush eventually drowns and painfully crushes your heart into a million little splinters. And yes, I know that was fucking emo. Try being the gay best friend only straight for a week. And try going to jail and getting restraining orders every single fucking time. Yes, jail. Try dropping your soap in the shower and you’ll get what “warm, sticky, mushy feeling” means.
Dogs. Yes. Fricking dogs. I hate dogs. With a passion. I hate the particularly small ones. What’re you saying? “What the fuck? Small dogs? This Ade guy, what a coward lolz”? The smaller dogs can jump between your legs and land a big hungry bite to your ‘nads.
I’m also afraid of seeing David Hasselhoff in a g-string bikini, but that’s another story altogether.
What do you want to do?
Originally posted for The Man Blog.
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