A month ago, I started taking steps to get physically fit again. I’ve long given up on exercise, but I don’t want to keel over and die of a heart attack or some other obesity-related sickness by the time I’m 35, so I have to start somewhere and start working out again, right? Actually, a friend just forcibly signed me up for this shit and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Imagine a scene where I’m being dragged out of my room by five people, while I was screaming “NO, I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THE SAFETY OF MY BASEMENT MY COMICS ARE KEEPING ME COMPANY FUCK YOU NO I DON’T WANT TO SEE SUNLIGHT NO” as I struggle to hold my bag of Cheetos in one hand. No, that didn’t happen, what kind of person did you think I was?

Starting exercising again after around a few years (shut up and fuck you) isn’t really that easy. However, I’m doing this for just a month and I actually feel better already. I think I look better too.

Anyway, here are a few tips for beginner runners I learned over the course of a month that made the transition from a fat and lazy idiot to an active (but fat) individual.

Start Small

When I found out that I have been signed for a race (without my permission or consent) I jumped at the chance to get fit again. I showed my enthusiasm by putting off buying shoes for two weeks. Why? Because I was starting small. You see, I was told that you don’t have to start aiming for the ultimate 32K runs and I have to take it slow. So I took it slow by not starting. My logic is flawless.

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Sure, I got screamed at with “You idiot, starting slow means not overexerting yourself! Go fucking buy shoes because the run is less than a month away” a lot of times, but I’m not overexerting myself, you see. How can I overexert myself when I’m on a couch, surfing Reddit with a bag of chips and a bottle of Mountain Dew beside me?

Buy a Good Pair of Shoes

Yes, you’ve probably done a good share of running in those loafers you’re wearing right now, but when you’re going to do it for exercise, you’d look like an idiot running around some park in them. Besides, your feet needs support, which is why you need to invest in a good pair of running shoes.

As someone who tried to run 4K with a pair of Crocs on, I attest that proper running shoes are a must. The good sole support and shock absorption that running shoes offer are needed when you try to outrun that mob angry at you for wearing that crime against fashion and humanity called Crocs.

Set Goals and Celebrate Progress

One of the best ways to keep motivated is to set attainable goals for yourself. Most people set boring, wimpy, ordinary goals like “run 5K in 12 weeks” or “lose 10 pounds in 2 months” or “get two additional inches for my penis.”

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Here are my goals:

  1. Warm up
  2. Run like hell
  3. ???
  4. PROFIT!

And to celebrate my progress, I am going to eat a juicy t-bone steak, a burger, and fries after every run.

Run and Walk First

For the totally untrained, a sudden shift from a sedentary lifestyle to one that is active as fuck can be dangerous. No, you don’t just wake up one morning and think “maybe I’ll run today” and do a 3K run in one sitting. You have to alternate between walking and running first, until your body’s acclimated to physical activity (no, fapping is NOT considered exercise).

So to alternate between running and walking, I dedicate 20 minutes to walking and then 2 minutes of half-hearted running. Then I walk for another 20 minutes. Maybe in a month I can go to 5 minutes of running, won’t that be great?


So dear reader, I do hope you find these tips helpful. If you have more advice to offer me (so I can disregard them too) feel free to leave a comment!