I went home to my grandparent’s farm in Laguna. However, I had an appointment the next day and had to leave early so I could prepare for it. What I didn’t anticipate is that leaving early would leave me stuck in traffic, turning the two-hour bus ride into a four-hour nightmare.
The bus I was riding had a television and DVD player installed, and as luck would have it, the driver had a collection of Steven Seagal films. We were treated to four hours of pure mind-blowing gratuitous acts of violence and pure mind-numbing silliness.
However, I must say that he is definitely the most underappreciated actor in the industry today. Aside from having the ability to kill armada after armada of fully-armed enemy soldiers with a butter knife and toast (and to do it without messing up his hair… how does he do it?!), Steven Segal is also a versatile actor. Besides “cold-blooded murderous rage”, he can also delicately display a wide range of emotions:
This is Steven when mad.
This is Steven when happy.
This is Steven when sad.
This is Steven scared.
This is Steven excited.
This is Steven crying.
This is Steven aroused and ready for some rough nookie.
If I had his acting ability I’d be making millions appearing in soap operas and product endorsements, instead of spending 90% of my day in front of the computer and getting fat.
But instead of sulking around because I’m not as awesome as him, I decided to take a second look at his films. There I learned the secrets of his awesomeness. He has imparted some life-changing lessons that we can use in situations that demand the best from us. The knowledge, I tell you, is practical.
Lesson # 1:
A band of rogue soldiers have taken over the train you are riding. From the train, they have taken over a U.S. spy satellite and are using it to blow up fertilizer factories in China. They are asking for a billion dollars, or they will blow up every fertilizer factory in the world. Their leader is a guy who looks like he was picked on by kindergarten bullies when he was in college. What do you do?!
For this situation, all you need is a butter knife and toast, and you can go on a killing spree. Don’t worry if your enemies went through years of training and combat to hone and sharpen their skills and killing instincts. They’re morons. You can actually have a gunfight with the whole group, do the Macarena in the middle of the crossfire, and you’ll still kill them all without getting shot. Yes, that’s what Steven Seagal would do.
Lesson # 2:
You are alone and enemy soldiers have cornered you. You have a pistol that has 8 bullets left, and you are facing 20 soldiers who are armed with heavy-duty machine guns. You are good as dead. What do you do?!
Steven Seagal won’t cry and suck his thumb in a situation like this. He’d get his pistol, which magically refills itself out of nowhere, to shoot the 20 bad guys. And he’ll have enough bullets left over to kill any bad guy hiding behind his back.
And yes, they’re all morons, so don’t you worry.
Lesson # 3:
You are facing a guy twice your size. He is faster, stronger, and superior to you in every single way possible. And he is possibly a ninja. He wants you to take him on to a fight, mano y mano. You need to take him down, or else you die (duh). What do you do?!
If you watch his Steven Segal’s films carefully, it actually doesn’t matter to him if the enemy’s stronger or not. He lets himself get banged-up at first to let the enemy get into a false sense of complacency. When the enemy starts to gloat and begins to launch into a monologue, he strikes. He punches, kicks, and does some other mind-blowing stuff to the enemy. He then grabs the patented Ninja Utility Belt™, gets the bananaque from inside, and kills the guy with it.
‘Coz the guy’s a friggin’ moron.
But after all the punching, shooting, and all other manly stuff, he doesn’t get messed up. Just look at him. Not a drop of blood, smudge of dirt, or a hair out of place on him! Forget Chuck Norris. Steven Seagal is teh awesome!
I hope to have enlightened you. Imparting Steven Seagal’s wisdom is a big help to mankind, especially in those situations where armed morons threaten to destroy all life on earth. I mean, isn’t that knowledge practical? You can use it everyday! In fact, I’m gonna use this newfound wisdom at work. I’ll be the CEO of our company in no time.
What else have you learned from Steven Seagal? What are you gonna use the knowledge for?
- ‘Train to Busan’ is a Fantastic, Harrowing Take on the Zombie Genre
- John Hurt Returns as the War Doctor in ‘Only the Monstrous’ [Review]
- ‘Project Octopath Traveler Demo’ Impressions: Is It Worth It?
- We’re Home: ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Review
- A History of Violence: ‘Wulverblade’ Review