Isn’t it awesome that we grew up with such wonderful toys such as LEGO, WWF Wrestling Figures, and Ghostbuster action figures? And now, imagine how sucky life is for kids today, for they have these toys to play around with:

5. Batman Water Squirter

C’mon guys, what could be manlier than Batman, that superhero that goes off into the night , beating up criminals and stuff? Heck, for a time I wanted to be like him.

Okay, not the sexual predator side of Batman, but if you didn’t find anything cool about having no superpowers at all, and possibly being the only guy who can take down Superman with nothing more than brains, you’re probably a girl.

So now imagine this: a kid, proud to have purchased his latest Batman-themed toy proudly shows off his stuff to his friends.

“Guys!” he says. “I have like the coolest thing ever! It’s a Batman water squirter!”

Of course his friends would gather around him, while the poor kid would wildly wave around the covered box in his hands while bragging about how his water squirter owns all their water squirters, because let’s face it- nobody wins in a fight against Batman.

Then, in a theatrical fashion, he reveals his new toy to the world:

A typical result of this disaster would be a bunch of kids laughing for twenty minutes straight and one little kid sobbing on a street corner hating the fuck out of Batman and anything batman-like for the rest of his life.

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4. Harry Potter Nimbus 2000

So, yeah. It’s a Harry Potter broomstick. You mount it, run all over the house on it, much to the annoyance to your parents. So what’s the big deal right?

Well, according to the product description, the said Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 “features a grooved stick and handle for easy riding. Enhancing the excitement are the vibrating effects and magical swooping and whooshing sounds the broom makes when on.”

Wait, what was that? The broom vibrates? THE BROOM FUCKING VIBRATES?

I think it’s better to leave the rest to your imagination.

3. Dora The Explorer Aquapet

Dora The Explorer will always remain in my mind as that kid with that annoying show where she goes exploring and tries to speak in Spanish. Annoying as it can be, I’ve always thought of that show as an innocent ode to childhood, where everything is as is and does not in any way make thinly veiled references to sex.

Guess I was wrong.

2. Spongebob Squarepants Musical Rectal Thermometer

I’m pretty sure rectal thermometers are traumatic. I mean, having to have that cold piece of metal stuck in your rectum, and then having it stay for 30 seconds until the temperature readings come out. So yeah.

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Now imagine going through the same process, but this time you have the face of Spongebob Squarepants sticking out of your butt while the theme song to his TV show plays in the background.

Thanks, Rico, for the link!

1. Mickey Mouse Massage Vibrator

This is the description from the eBay auction page:

This is Brand New Mickey Mouse Disney Cuties 100% Good Guy Massaging Vibrator. Very unique! Measures approximately 5-1/2 inches 14cm. Great addition to your collection!

Hm. Good enough. Now let’s check out the picture of the said offending toy:

There. Are. No. Words.

So have you found toys as evil as the five I’ve shown you? Or are you just pissed off because I destroyed your childhood innocence?