*Apologies to Franz for taking too long to write this.
We all know bananaque as that delicious street treat that we often find salivating over. Who can blame you? It’s easy to get seduced by the bananaque’s many charms: the melted sugar coating, the ripe and tasty banana, deep fried, and skewered on a stick (If you have a penchant for men, I’m so sorry if that last sentence turned you on).
But did you know that bananaque can be used in more ways than one can imagine? I have done some serious pondering over the metaphysical existence of the bananaque (I was also working; hi boss!) and there is indeed more to the bananaque than eating it (and giving you a bad case of constipation afterwards). If Shawarma can test your survival skills, and Pasta is worshipped, the bananaque can save lives. It can be used as a weapon of war and terror. It can lead to more destruction than The Steaming Shawarma of Death and the wrath of the Flying Spaghetti Monster combined.
Ninjas have long used bananaques as their weapons of stealth. Bananaque sticks have long been revered as noiseless and sturdy. They use the sticks to climb the walls of their enemy’s fortress. And in case their black outfit and smoke bombs fail them, they just grab the mystical bananaque from their patented Ninja Utility Belt™ and their enemies will be blinded by the flash of light emanating from the bananaque just long enough for the ninja to make his escape. Historians have long known this secret fact and indeed, the bananaque is the inspiration for the flash bombs widely used in CounterStrike.
Later on in history, when ninjas have evolved into highly advanced Jedi Masters, the mystical bananaque’s energy has been harnessed to form the lightsaber. This contraption is comprised of a battery with a large, vibrating, glowing rod expanding from it (sorry, turned you on again). This highly dangerous weapon is seen during the six “Star Wars” movies as being able to cut off another Jedi Master’s hand without any bleeding. Imagine, you get your hand sliced off and you don’t bleed to death! And you get a robotic replacement for it! How awesome can it get?
Bananaques are also a valuable life-saver. When Ronald Reagan was almost felled by an assassin’s bullet, a member of the Secret Service (who is secretly a ninja) grabbed a bananaque from his patented Ninja Utility Belt™, stuck it inside the wound, and the former US President’s life was saved.
Imagine if a ninja was on the scene when JFK was shot…
Speaking of JFK, remember the Cuban Missile Crisis? It was the time when fear and uncertainty filled the western world because Fidel Castro pointed his nukes towards the south of the US (again, sorry for turning you on). JFK threatened Castro that if the nukes aren’t shelved, the US will unleash the Horrible Bananaque of Doom upon the Cubans. Castro, doing the right thing, chickened out and prevented the biggest disaster since Hiroshima.
Also, author Dan Brown knows of a secret so powerful and terrifying it could destroy the order of society. His knowledge of this terrifying secret is recounted in his best-selling novel “The Da Banana Quode”. In the book, Harvard cryptologist Robert Langdon encounters a secret society so frightening and powerful that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is threatened by its mere existence. He relies on his skills and his patented Ninja Utility Belt™ (yes, he’s also a ninja, didn’t you know?) to outwit the all-powerful secret society.
As you can see, the bananaque is such an amazing thing. Next time you eat one, thank the ninjas and all other people who have kept this wonderful piece of technology alive throughout the ages.
What other secrets of the bananaque do you know of? Please do tell!