After that unsuccessful attempt to lose weight a few weeks back, I decided to give myself a break for a while. But contrary to what I put in the last entry, I haven’t given up on losing weight. In fact, I’ve been finding more ways to be thin, and that equals more failures. Sigh.
As I have been an average-sized (take note: I said average, not svelte) person a few months back, I believe I am qualified to ask this question: “What the hell happened?”
Maybe it’s the sleeping marathons. Or the endless bags of potato chips. With cream cheese. Or the utter lack of motivation to exercise. Or the urge to dress like SailorMoon. Either way, I have turned myself into one useless pile of fat.
So here I am, doing my best to lose weight once again. Read on and laugh at my pathetic attempts (and my subsequent failures) to lose weight.
Plan # 4:
So I’ve been warned by people not to take slimming teas. But I do want to lose weight, so I gave it a try.
My mom keeps a stack of slimming teas somewhere in the kitchen. I have no idea why she never touched it. Oh, yeah, she doesn’t need it. She’s not fat anyway. So I grabbed a teabag and dumped it into my cup of hot water. Ok. So I’ve heard that it will cause some really evil diarrhea, but I’m doing this so you guys can laugh at my misfortunes.
I’m gonna do this at home so that no one can PWN me. I’ve heard this story about one guy who drank two cups of slimming tea, and he had a bad case of the “aftermath”. In the office. However, his not-so-kind officemates rigged the toilet door so that it wouldn’t lock, and they PWNED him.
The tea is ready, and I’m ready to drink it. If I’m not back in a while, call poison control.
Now I know why my mom never touched it.
Ooompah. That was horrible. That was like drinking a cup of diesel, and the sugar I’ve added didn’t do a thing to improve the taste. Well, at least I didn’t suffer the indignity of being chased by a dog or something like that. Oh, wait… I… I’m…
Now I wonder why I wasted my time (and money) at the gym when all I needed was at home. My dad bought an airwalker a few years back, and it has been gathering dust ever since. Maybe it was time to get it out of the mothballs and give it a try.
I have to say, it was dusty. REALLY dusty. I had a coughing fit when opened the box, and I haven’t even touched it yet. It was disassembled, so I had to figure out how to connect Peg A to Hole A. After an hour, I managed to put the thing together. The base, I mean. I haven’t the foggiest idea how to get the whole thing on.
Ok, it’s not exactly what I imagined, but at least I’m getting some exercise! Putting this thing together does work up a sweat… but what happens when I figure out how to put it together? I won’t get any exercise anymore! Then I’ll be fat again!!!
I saw the answer to my prayers the other day: I saw this ad on the paper that says I could lose weight without working out. They’d just wrap this thing around me, heat me up, and I’ll lose weight fast. Naturally, I wanted to give it a try. It’s cool! Maybe I’d get a tan in the process:
So I packed my stuff, and I got ready. I went to the spa and waited for my turn. Around me were these fat and excited people. I grinned knowingly at them. We shared a secret: after we get out of the room, we’d be the slimmest people this side of town.
But just HOW do they do it? I couldn’t resist. Curiosity was getting to me, and I just had to sneak a peek:
After that horrendous sight, I immediately grabbed my stuff, mumbled a quick excuse to the receptionist, and sped away, vowing to never return to that place.
Do you have weight loss nightmares? Tell me your story!
- Losing Weight… With Technology!
- Bobby Anti-Theft Backpack Review: A Well-Realized First Generation Product
- Horror in Your Phone: ‘SIM – Sara is Missing’ Review
- Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Geeky Friend (Who May or May Not Be Named Ade)
- The Lapsed Gamer: My Top 5 Nintendo Switch Games of 2017