Hailing the cab

ME: I need to get to Ortigas. Fast.

DRIVER: Okay. We’ll take EDSA?

ME: Whichever way is faster is fine by me, but yes, EDSA sounds good.

DRIVER: Well then, EDSA it is. Brace yourself–

ME: HOLY FUCK DID YOU JUST GO FROM ZERO TO SIXTY IN FIVE SECONDS?!

DRIVER: Actually… zero to sixty-five. Big difference, you know.

ME: But– but– YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME TIME TO PUT MY SEATBELT ON!

DRIVER: Seatbelt? Those big straps by our seats? You mean people use those things? What do they do, protect you from injuries in case of a car crash?

ME: Actually, yes.

DRIVER: Pussy.

***

Five Minutes Later

DRIVER: Sir, you see that sweet old lady in the corner?

ME: Yeah, why?

DRIVER: Wanna see how close we can get without hitting her?

ME: What?

DRIVER: Okay, here we go! (stomps on accelerator)

ME: NO!

DRIVER: What? Sorry I can’t hear you over the roar of the engine!

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

***

Ten Minutes Later

ME: Well, that didn’t go quite well.

DRIVER: Shut up.

ME: I mean, you just had to see if we could get two inches closer to that old lady. As if five inches away from her at 65kph wasn’t cutting it close already.

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DRIVER: I said, shut up.

ME: It was awesome though, the way she bounced over the hood of your car. And did you see how she landed? Priceless.

DRIVER: Sir, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna stop right now and hand you over to those cops that are on our tail.

***

Fifteen Minutes Later

ME: You just missed my office you moran!

DRIVER: I know okay? I’d love to drop you off right now. But you forgot the fact that a shitload of cops are chasing us. I can’t actually drop you off when our lives are in mortal danger.

ME: So what do we do now?

DRIVER: There’s a shotgun under your seat. Shoot the nearest cop down.

***

Twenty Minutes Later

ME: Did we lose ’em? Did we lose ’em?!

DRIVER: Stop badgering me about that sir, while I’m DRIVING AT 120 KPH AVOIDING ALL THE CARS ON THE ROAD!

ME: Did we lose ’em? Did we lose ’em?!

DRIVER: HOLY SHIT WE JUST NEARLY HIT THAT TRUCK SHUT UP AND STOP DISTRACTING ME!

ME: What does this button do?

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DRIVER: What?! That’s the windshield wiper.

ME: What does this button do?

DRIVER: Huh? That’s the lighter. Stop bugging me.

ME: What does this do?!

DRIVER: Shut up!

ME: Okay, I’ll just pull this lever and see what happens.

DRIVER: Lever?

ME: Yeah? This big one between us?

DRIVER: HOLY FUCK NO DON’T THAT’S THE HANDBRAKE! NOOOOOOOO!

ME: What? Sorry I can’t hear you over the roar of the engine!

DRIVER: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

ME: Did you see how this taxi flipped? Oh look, we’re flying. Now we both know what happens if you abruptly stop at 180 kph.

DRIVER: NO! WE’RE GONNA CRASH!

ME: Really? I dunno bout you but I got my seatbelt on.

DRIVER: OH GOD NO I DON’T WANNA DIE PLEASE NO

ME: Pussy.