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My previous blog entry got a grand total of zero comments. Except maybe for that Nigerian dude who wanted to give me his riches for a small price (I’m wiring him my life savings as we speak) and that Japanese girl who wanted me to install this program so I can see her tits. Right now, I’m kind of distracted because as I’m running the installer, all my anti virus programs are going haywire with all sorts of apocalyptic warnings of doom. I can’t concentrate on the tits I’m about to see, dammit.

Tits

Anyway, yeah. Blog. No comments. Zilch. Nada. Hence, I spent like five hours on the phone with Marck complaining about people not caring at all about the impending Zombie Apocalypse. After realizing that all he made are empathic grunts, I threatened to break into an animal shelter and look for the cutest kitten and step on it as he looked. It was by then he decided to speak up. The following conversation ensued:

“Ade, that Zombie article sucked,” he sighed.

“NOT LISTENING I’M GOOGLING FOR THE NEAREST ANIMAL SHELTER NOW”

“Ade, you gotta listen to me. I have the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Best Commentary Blog ™ and I get posts with zero comments all the time!”

“AHA FOUND ONE NOW I’M LOOKING UP THE ADDRESS IN GOOGLE MAPS”

“Ade-”

“GOING THERE TO PICK UP A KITTEN I’LL DROP BY YOUR HOUSE IN AN HOUR I’M WEARING STEEL TOE BOOTS” (more…)

Dear Future Zombie Overlords,

How are you guys? I know you’re really not into small talk, and there really is no reason for you guys would want to talk to us puny humans, especially after the Great Zombie Uprising of the Future will decide that we are inferior to the undead.

I don’t know where I’ll be when the time comes. I can hope to be alongside my fellow living humans, fighting for human survival, and probably kicking zombie ass every now and then. But since we all know I have the survival skills of a prairie dog, I’d probably be zombie and I’d be the fat stinky zombie who will comically stagger towards the female love interest of the hero. I’ll also get my brains blown out within five minutes of the Great Zombie Uprising of the Future. (more…)

Since the beginning of this advice column dedicated to helping out those who are helplessly unable to find happiness, we have come to realize that we at Down The Highway have neglected a significant portion of our readership: the zombies.

Last Thursday, one avid zombie reader visited the DtH offices. Since his brains were already hanging out of his nose, we panicked. Shotguns, crucifixes and wooden stakes were produced and used on our hapless visitor. After a failed attempt to kill him (and losing two of our interns in the process), it was clear that it was just an unfortunate misunderstanding: he just wanted to pour his heart out over a lost love.

“You see, there was this girl, and she dumped me for a sparkly vampire…”

We learned an important lesson: zombies may look different, they may smell like five year-old rotting flesh, and yes they are indeed rotting (because you know, they’re kind of dead), but they have feelings like you and me. The next time you see a zombie, don’t run away; he may be after your brains, but chances are he’s after your heart as well. Don’t be racist. In fact, we’ll soon hire a zombie staffer (in the spirit of zombie-human solidarity) once we figure out how to keep him from attacking people during office hours.

And now we’re going to publish some of the zombie letters that we received over the years. (more…)