Noisy, Noisy Man

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Dear Ade,

I’m sorry if it took me two years to reply to that last letter you sent me. Thanks for asking about Rudolph, though. He got out of his coma quite quickly. In fact, he’s having great progress with his therapist. He now cries himself to sleep only intermittently. And his tic isn’t all that noticeable anymore.

As for me and the elves, we’re buried up to the neck making cheap rip-offs of this season’s latest toy. For kids. Get it? I exist for KIDS. Not for overweight internet writers in their mid-20s who specialize in “The Art of Dick Jokes.” Be thankful I even got to read your email in the first place. Stop resending the damn thing. You do realize that you’ve been sending the same email in triplicate for the last two years, haven’t you?

Honestly though, I’m at a loss as to what to give for these damn kids. Back then it was “Santa gimme a Tickle-Me-Elmo” or “Santa gimme a pony” or “Santa I want the Immature Radioactive Kung-Fu Warthog special super-action edition” or “Santa gimme a rainbow unicorn.” Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes, I swear, there is a big conspiracy that purports to make little kids a sex-crazed generation. How, you may ask? You see, toys like Bratz teach little girls how to dress as skankily as possible, Dora Aquapets make for very private bedroom fun for all ages, and childhood heroes like Jamie Lynn Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton could actually testify that alcoholism, teenage pregnancy, and uploading sex videos on the internet are actually cool.

So where does it all bring us? Just the other day I was taking a leisurely stroll in a mall when I chanced upon this toy:

A Spider-Man web flicker pack. You have a webslinger and some rubber webs, and then you flick them all over the place, much to the chagrin of your folks. “Oh look! Our son’s throwing away expensive molded rubber all over the place! I bet we’ll never get to find some of those things and our cat will probably choke on them and die and we’ll all go to jail for cruelty to animals or something. Way to go, son!”

Looks innocent, right? Wrong. Read the rest of this entry »