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So I was supposed to watch James Cameron’s comeback film, Avatar, last weekend. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I wasn’t able to make it to the last full show. I’m not supposed to tell you the details, but it involved a velociraptor and Jesus. I’d like to tell you more, but I promised the cops I won’t talk about that again. But the whole point is that I’m supposed to be writing a review about this film that I haven’t even seen, and I’m panicking the shit out. In an act of desperation, I open up a torrent website, and search for and download Avatar.

Now I don’t have a way to figure out if I did get the real thing. But then, the movie’s going to be about a bunch of half-naked blue men prancing around, saying stuff in gibberish, while being totally epic in the signature James Cameron way. If I see one blue guy in the film, then I’m pretty sure it’s Avatar, right? There can’t be too many films featuring blue guys. So I double-click the movie file, slouch in my chair for a few hours of cinematic bliss, and watch as blue-skinned CGI people wage war against- wait, what the fuck? (more…)

As you all know, I’m a pretty big Harry Potter fan. Shut up. Anyway, Harry Potter is probably the only fandom right now that has more vicious fanatics than Twilight, because I never see Twilight movie tickets being presold a week before the showing.

But anyway, my point is that Harry Potter is opening today, dammit. And I haven’t bought any tickets yet. And I am not willing to wait for an hour for tickets just to sit in a cramped cinema, with some kid with a bad cold sitting beside me, trying to remind me of his existence (and the snot that’s flowing down his nose) every time he inhales.

And when the most exciting part of the movie comes, the kid will get bored, wail to his parents that he wants to pee/go home/eat a burger/my foot in his face/whack off. And when one kid wails, this sets off a chain reaction. I don’t know how they do that. One kid cries, and the next thing you know, you’re in the middle of a cacophony of ear-bleeding shrieks. Fucking kids.

But really, I do not want to miss Harry Potter 6. I mean, as much as I’m a big fan, I want to watch it in IMAX as well, so I can get to see Emma Watson’s boobs in 3-D. What.

Of course, I’m a good citizen and I won’t go to your friendly neighborhood prated DVD shops just to get a shaky cam capture of the movie. Heck, if I wanted to replicate the movie experience, I might as well brave the long lines and the hyperactive kids. No, I shall not break the law buy buying a pirated DVD. Okay, that sexual harassment thing’s another story, but whatev. (more…)