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“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! So, kid, what do you want to find in your stockings this holiday season? Come on and sit on my la-” the mall employee dressed as Santa abruptly stopped in the middle of his sentence as he looked up and saw that it was my turn. I was grinning enthusiastically as I waved at him.

“Yo, yo, yo, dude. Stop. Stop it.” the Santa said. “Aren’t you… a little too old for this?”

“What are you talking about?” I shot back. “I lined up in here fair and square! You can never be too old for Santa Claus!”

“What the heck happened to your childhood, buddy? Everyone knows Santa Claus is-”

“Fake? Dude, you’re going to ruin Christmas for these children. Tone it down a little.”

Santa scratched his head quizzically and mumbled, “I swear there was a sign outside that said ‘For children up to age 13 only’ there. After that little runt tried to poop on my outfit the other day, I thought I’ve gotten the worst-”

Little does this mall employee dressed as Santa know that this was actually my fifth attempt to line up at the “Tell Santa Your Wishes!” booth at this mall.

The first time had me bringing in a couple of screwdrivers. What I didn’t know is that they have guard dogs roaming the mall at night. You can probably tell how it ended. Then I tried bribing a few mall employees in various ways (I’m not at liberty to speak of this but I won’t confirm nor deny that it involved lots of thousand-peso bills and offers of oral sex to various people of ambiguous gender) but that didn’t work out as well.

So today I just walked up and gave a black eye to the fucker who was telling me to move it because the parents might think I’m a creepy sexual predator. After pushing ten security guards out of the way, I made my way towards Santa. Read the rest of this entry »