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“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! So, kid, what do you want to find in your stockings this holiday season? Come on and sit on my la-” the mall employee dressed as Santa abruptly stopped in the middle of his sentence as he looked up and saw that it was my turn. I was grinning enthusiastically as I waved at him.

“Yo, yo, yo, dude. Stop. Stop it.” the Santa said. “Aren’t you… a little too old for this?”

“What are you talking about?” I shot back. “I lined up in here fair and square! You can never be too old for Santa Claus!”

“What the heck happened to your childhood, buddy? Everyone knows Santa Claus is-”

“Fake? Dude, you’re going to ruin Christmas for these children. Tone it down a little.”

Santa scratched his head quizzically and mumbled, “I swear there was a sign outside that said ‘For children up to age 13 only’ there. After that little runt tried to poop on my outfit the other day, I thought I’ve gotten the worst-”

Little does this mall employee dressed as Santa know that this was actually my fifth attempt to line up at the “Tell Santa Your Wishes!” booth at this mall.

The first time had me bringing in a couple of screwdrivers. What I didn’t know is that they have guard dogs roaming the mall at night. You can probably tell how it ended. Then I tried bribing a few mall employees in various ways (I’m not at liberty to speak of this but I won’t confirm nor deny that it involved lots of thousand-peso bills and offers of oral sex to various people of ambiguous gender) but that didn’t work out as well.

So today I just walked up and gave a black eye to the fucker who was telling me to move it because the parents might think I’m a creepy sexual predator. After pushing ten security guards out of the way, I made my way towards Santa. (more…)

And just like that, it’s December again.

Guys, look, the end of the year is almost here, and what have we learned so far? My personal answer would be “2009 just about fucked everyone with its irrational rash of celebrity deaths, consecutive tragic typhoons, massacres, and loads of political turmoil.” Yep, 2009 has been one fucking fun year.

But again, it’s December already and I think it’s about time we relax for a little bit and think about Christmas. You know, be all loving and caring and all? (more…)

Hey there guys! I’m taking a break from the retardery to wish you all a wonderful Christmas. May your holidays be filled with goodness and cheer and alcohol and sex and all that other Christmassy shit.

Anyway, here’s a video of Achmed the dead terrorist singing a small Christmas ditty for all of you.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Ade,

I’m sorry if it took me two years to reply to that last letter you sent me. Thanks for asking about Rudolph, though. He got out of his coma quite quickly. In fact, he’s having great progress with his therapist. He now cries himself to sleep only intermittently. And his tic isn’t all that noticeable anymore.

As for me and the elves, we’re buried up to the neck making cheap rip-offs of this season’s latest toy. For kids. Get it? I exist for KIDS. Not for overweight internet writers in their mid-20s who specialize in “The Art of Dick Jokes.” Be thankful I even got to read your email in the first place. Stop resending the damn thing. You do realize that you’ve been sending the same email in triplicate for the last two years, haven’t you?

Honestly though, I’m at a loss as to what to give for these damn kids. Back then it was “Santa gimme a Tickle-Me-Elmo” or “Santa gimme a pony” or “Santa I want the Immature Radioactive Kung-Fu Warthog special super-action edition” or “Santa gimme a rainbow unicorn.” (more…)

Well lookee here. November is about to come to an end and that means it’s almost time to usher in December. And when December comes, it’s time to bring your your wallets and crack open your bank accounts, because it’s Christmas shopping season! (As a side note, “Christmas shopping” is the one phrase that probably brings out an unanimous “Yay!” from the kiddies and a spontaneous “OH SHIT THERE GOES MY MONEY!” from parents all over the world.)

Also, for those of us fortunate enough to run blogs (you know, those assholes we call “bloggers” – those who have LiveJournals not included), Christmas presents a perfect opportunity for us bloggers who are suffering from a severe case of writer’s block. You see, Christmas can spawn a million blog ideas, and this is also a perfect way to appeal to our readers sense of charity and generosity by creating wish lists. Also, guilt: you see, some bloggers make it a point to make fools of themselves on the web just for the entertainment of their readers. So in return for the year-long embarassment and entertainment they give, it’s kind of nice to have any of this gifts in return. Don’t you think? (This is the part where you agree, you ingrates)

Also, let me point your attention to my Christmas Wish List from last year, and guess how many items I got from them? None. So these are the things I want this Christmas. I mean, the things I want aside from Sora Aoi.

(more…)