Down The Highway: An Advice Column for EMO ZOMBIES
3 Apr
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Since the beginning of this advice column dedicated to helping out those who are helplessly unable to find happiness, we have come to realize that we at Down The Highway have neglected a significant portion of our readership: the zombies.
Last Thursday, one avid zombie reader visited the DtH offices. Since his brains were already hanging out of his nose, we panicked. Shotguns, crucifixes and wooden stakes were produced and used on our hapless visitor. After a failed attempt to kill him (and losing two of our interns in the process), it was clear that it was just an unfortunate misunderstanding: he just wanted to pour his heart out over a lost love.
“You see, there was this girl, and she dumped me for a sparkly vampire…”
We learned an important lesson: zombies may look different, they may smell like five year-old rotting flesh, and yes they are indeed rotting (because you know, they’re kind of dead), but they have feelings like you and me. The next time you see a zombie, don’t run away; he may be after your brains, but chances are he’s after your heart as well. Don’t be racist. In fact, we’ll soon hire a zombie staffer (in the spirit of zombie-human solidarity) once we figure out how to keep him from attacking people during office hours.
And now we’re going to publish some of the zombie letters that we received over the years. (more…)
My life is, like, so dark and lonely… It is one deep abyss and it calls out to me… I reach out, and hands touch the cold, cold wind of suffering…
