Seriously, I don’t get horoscopes. Sure, I know why people go gaga over it. Nothing feels better than being told “you’ll meet the man of your dreams when you get a new job but you’ll get money problems so you better be careful about your money”. But yeah, won’t we all have money problems if we don’t take care of our finances?

Horoscopes sometimes do wonderful things, like stating the painfully obvious. The weird thing is, sometimes, people don’t even realize how obvious things are until it strips in front of them while dancing the Macarena.

Take for instance this old horoscope reading Sorsi gave me. 2008 just rolled in, things were falling into place after the disaster 2007 was, and I was hopeful. Then Sorsi opens her horoscope guide and lets out this scorcher: “Ade, according to the stars you’ll lose something very valuable. Take care of your stuff. Seriously. This is fucking real. Also, you smell like dick cheese.”

DickCheese

Of course, being the skeptic, I laughed her off and ignored her prediction. (Except the part about me smelling like dick cheese. I took a two-hour shower immediately.) Predictably, I lost my phone just a few months later. And instead of getting any sympathy, empathy, or even pity, Sorsi just laughed at me. What a friend.

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Anyway, why the hell am I talking about horoscopes and boring you and all? Because my 2009 horoscope reading isn’t exactly what I was expecting. I mean, look at this:

HEALTH: You are leading a lifestyle which is too sedentary. Try to move around a little otherwise things will get worse.

Seriously? Who fucking needs a horoscope to know that? I just need to look in the mirror and my reflection will tell me all I need to know about myself. (Probably “hey tubby, you might want to lay off the chocolate chip cookies for a while, y’know?”)

Also:

LOVE: Your attempts to patch things up with your partner will fail, not because of you but because of his or her personal problems.

Way to go to teach responsibility to people, mister horoscope writer. I can just imagine an argument with somebody going this way:

“Look, I- I just want to patch things up. Why is it so hard to understand?”

“It’s all your fault!”

“What are you saying? Does it still matter? I’m here, swallowing my pride, begging for reconcillation! Why is it hard to understand?!”

“Because my horoscope says that attempts to patch things up with you will fail! And it’s all your fault, because you have sucky communication skills! Now get out of my sight!”

A slow clap is probably in order.

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But now I’m asking you people: why get tied up with your horoscope? They’re written to be as vague as possible to fit into every situation we encounter.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that my horoscope this year sucks.

How about your 2009 horoscopes? Are they any better?