… why is everybody staring at me?
My friend, you just did what kids nowadays call “twerking.”
You know, twerking. You bend over, and shake your pelvis so hard your butt jiggles or something.
But I don’t remember anything.
Do you remember that bottle of Jack you downed in under an hour?
No? That explains a lot.
Okay, so I twerked. Everybody must be doing it, right? So why the hell is everyone making a big deal out of it?
You can answer that yourself. Let me ask you a series of questions and you’ll come to the right conclusion in a bit.
What? No. I wanna know why-
Are you Miley Cyrus?
Answer the question.
Are. You. Miley. Cyrus?
No! What kind of stupid-
Are you, by any chance, between the ages of 18 to 24 and-
Do you weigh between 80 and 160 pounds?
Geez man, you really got to rub this in-
Come on, answer me.
NO! I’M 250, OK?
Is Robin Thicke anywhere in the vicinity?
What does that have to do with anyth-
Answer the question.
Okay, so are you of the female gender?
What did you say?
NO. DAMMIT. I’M A GUY, OK?
And are we in a party venue?
Where are we?
… We’re in the middle of a street. Oh God what is happeni-
So you’re a 250-pound grown man who just twerked in front of all these people, who definitely did not ask to see your fat drunken hairy ass shaking like there was no tomorrow. What was your question again?
Okay, this brings us to the next order of business.
There’s a next order of business?
Of course, duh. How the hell are you gonna get out of here?
… I’ll just walk away and pretend I’m not seeing their judgmental stares-
Dude, you’re in your underwear.
Where the hell did you get flesh-colored latex underwear anyway? Is that a bra?
How the fuck should I know? I was drunk, okay-
Seriously, it’s been just 24 hours since Miley Cyrus did that on MTV, how the hell did you find these things? And they’re in your size. Dude. What the hell?
You’re supposed to help me out of this, not judge me-
Is there something you need to tell me, man?
You know, these things are made-to-order.
Stop judging me and drop it already-
No, no, I’m not judging you for your life choices. In fact, I embrace your life choices, I mean, that’s your thing, I’m not judging you for it, if you decide to, you know, twerk in the middle of a busy street at 3PM in your flesh-colored latex custom-made underwear, yeah, that’s your prerogative, totally cool, but if you need somebody to talk about this crisis, I can hook you up with a few of my friends-
For the last time: no, I am not going through a “crisis.”
Not with that attitude.
PEOPLE ARE STARING
Can you whistle candidly and just walk away slowly?
They are looking at me! How is that going to solve anything?
That’s the international gesture of “I haven’t done anything wrong, move along with your lives now.” It’s featured in like a million Looney Tunes cartoons! Have you not been paying attention?
Come up with real solutions, you asshole.
I am deeply offended by your dismissal of Looney Tunes-based solutions. So we need to get you out of here as discreetly as possible. Do you remember where you left your clothes? I mean, the non-latex ones?
I… I don’t.
Well, that’s fine and dandy! That means until we get you to safety you’re going to have to strut around town in that outfit.
Don’t you have a change of clothes or a jacket or a blanket or, I don’t know, a tarpaulin or something?
DO I LOOK LIKE THE FUCKING SALVATION ARMY TO YOU? NO? I DIDN’T THINK SO.
CAMOUFLAGE ME OR SOMETHING!
Can you, I don’t know, try to look like a 20-year-old girl? Can you sing that new Miley Cyrus song?
IT’S OUR PARTY WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT
You’re a fat guy in latex underwear twerking all over the place. You don’t have a change of clothes and I sure as hell will not give you my clothes. Those are some pretty specific parameters, man. If you need my help, you’re gonna have to give me a little leeway so I can come up with a solution-
HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO LOOK LIKE A 20 YEAR OLD GIRL AND HOW IS IT GONNA HELP-
A girl in that… I’m gonna be nice and call it an outfit. A girl wearing that is going to raise less questions than you. Duh. So work with me here. Inhale. Suck in that gut. You have the boobs already-
– you have the boobs already, now just suck in that gut so you can look like Miley. If Miley Cyrus is covered in hair and has a month-old beard. Hell, you can probably fool someone with astigmatism if you talk in a falsetto-
Fuck you. I’m out of here.
Hey man, I’m trying to help you here. No, don’t turn that corner. I’m warning you now, no, don’t. Seriously. Don’t. Dude, are you listening to me…
And that’s all the time I have for now! Check out my next advice column, So You Accidentally Walked into a Day Care Center in Latex Underwear And Now the Police is Chasing You! Till next time!
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