I took my (long-suffering) girlfriend, Reese, out to lunch and a movie today. We had a wonderful time, but that’s not what I want to talk about. You see, I’ve discovered something during that date and it can really help anyone who’s having problems with their relationships.

Watch “Snakes on A Plane“.

By the way, we’re not going through any rough patches right now, but still SOaP worked like magic on us. In fact, I believe that watching SOaP can not only save a lot of marriages, but it can also cure cancer, lower gas prices, feed world hunger, solve the JFK assassination, and all that noble stuff. But don’t quote me on that. I was just there for the snakes.

But why take my word for it? I’ll let you in on what happened in the cinema. Here is the actual, unedited transcript of our deepest, most heartfelt conversation to date. And it happened in the cinema.

Reese:  You told me this movie’s gonna be a treat for me.
Ade:   Of course it’s be a treat. This is the most awesome movie ever!
Reese:   So what’s it called?
Ade:   Snakes on a Plane.

Reese:   Huh?
Ade:   Snakes! On a Plane!
Reese:   Well, that was so… straight to the point.
Ade:   No. That was inspired.
Reese:   So, what’s this… movie about?
Ade:   It’s got a plane. Infested with snakes.
Reese:   That’s it?
Ade:   It’s also got Samuel L. Jackson.
Reese:   And the plot…?
Ade:   You see, the plot goes something like this:

Reese:   You know, that’s kinda dumb.
Ade:   Dumb? THAT. WAS. INSPIRED.
Reese:   …
Ade:   What?
Reese:   Oh dear Lord, all I wanted was a normal boyfriend! Why–
Ade:   Shhhhhhhhhh! It’s starting!

Ade:   OMGWTFBBQ that was awesome stuff kdsjshahahiohfdf;
Reese:   That was called an “Opening Sequence”, dear. That was just the title.
Ade:   …I knew that.

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*** 20 Minutes Later ***


Reese:   Oh. My. Goodness. This can’t be happenning. Let’s watch something else with some semblance of intelligence.
Ade:   No, wait, the fun’s just beginning, just-
Reese:    OH MY GOD THAT SNAKE’S EATING THAT GUY’S YOU-KNOW-WHAT! THAT’S GOTTA HURT!
Ade:   *cringes as he imagines snake doing the same thing to him*
Reese:   I feel like my IQ’s draining fast – OH MY GOODNESS THAT SNAKE’S ABOUT TO EAT THAT BABY!
Ade:   YEAH! OOOOH YEAH! SNAKES! SNAKES!
Reese:   Ade, this is too retarded, even for you.
Ade:   YEAH! KILL THOSE SNAKES, SAM! KILL THOSE SNAKES!

*** 40 Minutes Later ***

Reese:   Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these snakes! I’m leaving.
Ade:   YEAH! KILL THOSE SNAKES, SAM! KILL THOSE SNAKES!
Reese:   Ade, I’ve got your wallet. I’ve got your credit cards-
Ade:   YEAH! KILL THOSE SNAKES, SAM! KILL THOSE SNAKES!
Reese:   If you don’t want to pay attention, I’m leaving the theater, and I’m gonna use your credit cards on Topshop and Mango.
Ade:   YEAH! KILL THOSE SNAKES, SAM! KILL THOSE SNAKES!

*** 50 Minutes Later ***

Reese:   Ade, I’m back. Guess who’s gonna file for bankruptcy tomorrow because of his credit card bill?
Ade:   YEAH! KILL THOSE SNAKES, SAM! KILL THOSE SNAKES!
Reese:  Let me get this straight… You saw me leave the theater, I maxed out your credit cards by cleaning out Topshop and Mango, and you’re still–
Ade:   YEAH! KILL THOSE SNAKES, SAM! KILL! THOSE! SNAKES!

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*** End Credits Start to Roll ***

Reese: Thank goodness that pathetic excuse for a movie is finally over.
Ade:   You didn’t like it?
Reese:   Actually, I did. I especially loved the part where THE END CREDITS BEGAN TO ROLL.
Ade:   You did, huh? I loved every minute of it. It was awesome. I felt my brain exploding from all that awesomeness.
Reese:   Well, Mr. Awesome, next time you want to watch a movie, please let me pick it for sanity’s sake.
Ade:   Are you kidding me? There’s this other movie I want us to watch! It’s also gonna be awesome, I tell you!

Reese:   Oh please somebody just sedate my boyfriend.