Shopping? Isn’t that what sissies do? LOL

Oscar Wilde on Shopping

Retrosexuals? They’re like men, only wilder. Rawr.

David Hasselhoff on Retrosexuals

I love llamas. They give me a warm, giddy, feeling.

Steven Seagal on Llamas

Prologue

A day or two ago, while dressing up for work, I saw my reflection in the mirror and saw my knees saying hi back to me. Now, I’ve never been a fan of torn and tattered jeans and I’ve never bought one. So seeing my knees through my jeans meant it was time to buy a new pair.

However, I was never really what you consider fashionable. I’m actually very happy to melt in the background as far as my clothes are concerned, thank you very much. Because when I follow the latest trends, I’m sorta afraid to look like that guy on the right, only younger. And fatter.

So my goal was to search for a pair of jeans that’ll make me look like a normal human being and prevent me from looking gay. However, the person who I trust to choose clothes for me, my girlfriend, is in a magical place three hours away. As much as I want to drag her to Manila so that she’d choose a nice pair of jeans for me, there’s not enough time. The draft coming from my jeans are already reaching my ginormous ‘nads and freezing them to death.

This is Trendy? WTF?

I just checked out a couple of stores that brand themselves as trendy and, um, the designs look best on a gay-ass whore who would take it in the nose for two bucks. Dammit, what the hell were those designers thinking? Studs and rips and paint splatters? And the pants cost TWO FRIGGING THOUSAND BUCKS? Who are they kidding? If wanted those designs, I’d take one of my old pants, run five cars above it, and feed it to my dogs. Then I’d sell it for ten thousand bucks.

The Anti-Fat Guy Conspiracy

On the rare occasion that I find pants I actually like, I can’t find any in my size. I think it’s a big Religious Conspiracy involving the top echleons of the Church so that the world will be rid of fat men with ginormous manboobs.

I was getting frustrated with seeing the right style that I want and finding that they don’t have it in my size. So I asked the sales guy to just give me any pair of pants, any style, just as long as it is in my size. He was able to find one pair that looks decent enough and I decided to give it a try. Lo and behold, it was actually one of those low rise pants! Damn!

Ok, so they may actually have the benefit of making my crotch seem bigger than it really is (not that it needed that), but they also had the unwanted effect of making the rest of me become larger than i really am. I meant me, not my crotch.


Calling all plastic surgeons

Hope

Just as I was about to give up, I saw this one shop that I had shunned going to because of its gay-ass “trendiness” I was trying to avoid the first place. But OMGWTFBBQ, THERE ARE ACTUALLY DECENT PANTS IN THAT PLACE! I was able to buy a pair that looked like they were meant to be worn by normal humans.

Ok, I’m already sounding a little too gay already from posting an entire frigging entry about me buying a single pair of jeans. Let me just show you how cool I am now. Very.


i’M tHa mUtHaFuCkA kEwL! wOrD!
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