Noisy, Noisy Man

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You and your girl just came back from a wonderful date. You know the drill: nice place, great food, flowers, music (classical music, not crap by Simple Plan), insightful conversation (nothing about sex). Basically a perfect evening.

Now it’s morning. You grab your phone and you call her up. Instead of a sweet and wonderful woman, you hear a scary monster on the other end. She is screaming her lungs out and calling you names. "What did I do?" you ask. You did nothing wrong. Really.

My friend, welcome to the wonderful world of Premenstrual Stress Syndrome, erstwhile known as PMS.

What is it? Wikipedia defines it as "stress which is a physical symptom prior to the onset of menstruation." It’s that time of the month when women experience hormonal imbalance in their body up to the extent that they become totally irritable. It is the harbinger of doom. Next thing you’ll know, blood will gush out of your girl’s flower (icky, I know).

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Last time, I taught you guys how to deal with your girl when that monster we like to call PMS rears its ugly head. We have learned that it may be an unpleasant experience for her, but there is reason to believe that PMS is much more painful for men. This time, I will show you how to deal when that ugly monster called “I’m Broke” possesses your wallet.

Imagine: it’s your 3rd anniversary. You guys have spent a good deal of the last three months planning for that one day. You have planned on having dinner in a nice five-star hotel (yes, dinner only, you perv) that’ll charge you a thousand bucks each time their waiters sneeze. Yep, that hotel is so classy. Perfect.

But on the day itself, you open you wallet to see that all you have is a 100-peso bill, a bubblegum wrapper and bus tickets dating from five years ago. You run over to the ATM to withdraw some cash, but by some sheer force of luck all the ATMs in town are offline. You decide that you’ll pay using your credit cards when you glance at your bill and you realize that you just maxed out your credit limit because of that Hentai DVD you bought last week.

What do you do?
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Let’s face it, the majority of the fights between men and women stem from the fact that they think differently. In prehistoric times, men and women serve different functions in society. The woman stays in the cave, cleaning it up and waiting for the caveman (who is hunting down mammoths to extinction) to come home.

However, eons of evolution failed to change the way men and women think. And after decades of research, scientists have finally discovered how men and women’s brains are wired (pictures blatantly stolen from the TMB Forum):

So, using this knowledge to our advantage, we men can actually second-guess what women are thinking. We can think like women. We can come even close to reading women’s minds.

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“Oh my God! This dress is just so divine!!!”

This is the phrase that would make most men cringe with agony. You and your girl are on a date, debating the fine line between barbarism and justice with Saddam’s execution (something you know absolutely nothing about, but pretend to be a genius on so you can finally get laid) when you suddenly pass by Mango. And just like that, you are suddenly forgotten and suddenly the world seems to revolve around the amazingly overpriced jeans, shirts, fur coats, and other merchandise that they sell. But you’d suddenly make a rude reentry in her universe come payment time.

“Buy. It. For. Me. PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!”

The aftermath of said reentry in her universe would be:

• Your diet would consist of Lucky Me instant noodles until the next payday
• You’d be selling your house (and your mother) so you’d be able to afford your laundry
• You’re riding a bike to be able to go to your office in Makati. You live in Bulacan.
• Basically, you can afford buying her ten more dresses in that price range, but you’re just a miser and you pretend to blame her for your apparent poverty just for kicks.

So, how to avoid the dreaded shopping request?

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Dieting is a vital counterpart to every girl’s daily routine. Just like masturbation for us men. And unfortunately, we men do not know how to deal with the fact that our girls are eating like rabbits. I mean, our girls may be perfect for us, but in their little girly eyes, they still are fat. It’s because our brains are wired differently and we see things from a different perspective. I mean, I don’t know how girls can go for twelve seconds without thinking of sex, but that’s the way it is.

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