Down the Highway: An Advice Column for Emos

23 Mar

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This entry is part 1 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

Dear DtH:

emoMe and my girlfriend of two weeks have fallen apart. She’s seeing somebody else now. And I’m stuck here in my room, bawling my eyes out. Whatever shall I do?

- Lost Soul

 

Dear Lost Soul:

I suggest that you go back to your room and bawl some more. Then you can write poetry. Make sure that all your poems have the words "painful" , "sad", "lost", and other synonyms on them. Then you can form a band with your friends who are just as miserable as you. Make sure your guitarists know only three chords. You can get an awesome drummer, but you have to waste his talents by giving him songs with no variations at all. You guys can turn your poems into songs. Then you guys will become rich and famous, get drunk and stoned every night and all that stuff.

But you still don’t have a girlfriend. And you NEVER will.

Loser.

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Down the Highway – An Advice Column for Emos – 2

13 Apr

This entry is part 2 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

Dear DtH,

I have never been in a relationship ever. EVER!

Is it because I wear more eyeliner than them girls or that I have this thick eyeglasses than magnifies my tears 1090968x as the usual? It hurts!

The world is against me and I will cut myself tonight again but not too much so that I’ll live and people will know how sad my life is and will pity me. Aaagh… f*ck romance! *slits wrists*

- xxEmoBoi78xx

Dear xxEmoBoi78xx,

You make me proud. Just keep on hating yourself, the world, and all other crap out there. If you work hard enough, they’ll pity you, I’m sure. What they’ll do with a loser like you I’m not sure. But I’m sure that you’ll get a mighty fine scar on your wrists that’ll scream “NUTCASE”. That’s gonna be a fine trophy to carry for the rest of your life.
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Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos 3

5 May

This entry is part 3 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

DearDtH,

I am lonely. I have not had a boyfriend in years, and if I do meet a guy that I like, he obviously does not like me. I mean, I haven’t had a chance to talk to him yet, but I’m sure that he already abhors me. It’s the law of this crappy universe.

Whenever a guy I like walks towards me, I already walk away. C’mon, I know what he’s planning to do already. He’ll make fun of me. Better to forget him than be insulted again.

xxEmo_Cutiexx
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Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos 4

28 Jun

This entry is part 4 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

dear dth

how do i recover from a broken heart you see i am so depressed because my boyfriend left me yesterday and i am crying even now as I write this letter i need your help please :(

lonl3y_gurl

Dear lonl3y_gurl,

I would like to offer you any sort of help but your inability to use the shift key and to locate the punctuation marks on your keyboard irks me. I suggest you use a newly-sharpened butcher’s knife to slice your neck cleanly instead. Make sure you slice deeply enough to cut your air passage as well. That would be nice if you do it within five minutes upon reading this post. Thank you, and have a great day.

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Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos – 5

16 Sep

This entry is part 5 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

Dear DtH,

EMO LOL

There’s this girl that I like. She’s smart, pretty and with an awesome personality- basically the whole package. So to cut a long story short: we became close friends, and just as when I was about to admit my feelings for her, I just found out that she is actually a transvestite. I like her, but the very fact that she has a dick makes my stomach churn. But I like her. I am now so confused. What should I do?

Man Beef

Dear Man Beef,

Are you sure you don’t like dicks? Just looking at the name you sent your letter in seems to indicate that you go for dicks and all that. But since I have quite a number of gay readers who I don’t want to offend (which I think I already have, dammit), I’m gonna steer away from a discussion of dicks already.

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Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos – 6

9 Nov

This entry is part 6 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

OMGWTFBBQ! WE HAVE LIEK REAL LETTERS!

Dear DTH,

I’ve been having sleepless nights due to this unbearable pain. You see, I’ve stumbled upon this particular gal’s profile on Friendster. And from then on, I started stalking, err, viewing her lovely photos on a daily basis. Oh, my day was not complete without getting a glimpse of her lovely photos. I didn’t care if she updated her profile once every 6 months, I just couldn’t stop looking at her! I felt like we had a mutual understanding just by staring at those cute little eyes. But one time she did the unthinkable: She set her profile to friends-only access! What kind of sick bitch would set her Friendster profile to friends-only access?

Nevermind if I never had the balls to message her or to at least send her an invite and add her to my friend’s list! That’s just not right. Now I’ve been having second thoughts sitting in front of the computr. I feel like the Internet is of no more use!

Now please excuse me while I slash my jugular.

- Balls of Steel

Dear Balls of Steel,

She set her profile to friends-only eh? That sucks. What happened to all those tender sweet moments that you shared? Unfortunately, she doesn’t even know you are totally lovestruck. She doesn’t even know you exist. Yeah, you suck sweaty balls like that. But don’t slash your jugular, I’m here to help!
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Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos – 7

26 Jan

This entry is part 7 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

Dear DtH,

I have never been laid in my life. Ever. I mean, I try to make a move and get some every now and then, but I really can’t. Pathetic. you see, I’m just an ugly piece of crap and I’m never gonna get the taste of a female in my life ever.

Human, that is.

You see, I was passing by my grandma’s farm the other day, and I saw this cow. And well, she was the finest specimen of bovine meat ever. And I’m using “meat” liberally. So I went to the cow, and I got a whiff it’s aroma… and… and… and…
I’m not gonna go into the specifics, but let me just say grandma caught the cow and me with my pants down and we’re getting married this week. I want a HUMAN wife, DtH!

What have I gotten myself into?! (please, no “beef curtain” puns)

– Desperate for Bovine


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