Note: This was originally published on Comicgasm

Iron Man 2 came, went, made gazillions of money, made geeks orgasm, and probably left the non-nerd part of the audience scratching their heads in bewilderment. Critics have panned this movie to high heavens, while nerds continued to orgasm all the way to the third viewing. But who cares? Comicgasm editors RJ and Ade weigh in on how awesome or stupid the movie is.

WARNING: this review contains major spoilers for Iron Man 2.

Iron Man 2 Poster

Ade: Okay, so, honestly I thought Iron Man 2 was a tighter movie than its predecessor. It’s got better action sequences, the movie didn’t lose any steam by the third act, and oh my goodness they seem to have an actual script this time. Although I can’t definitely say that it’s a better movie than the first one; there’s absolutely no way any scene in Iron Man 2 can defeat the glorious origin story of the first movie.

RJ: Suffering from conjunctivitis, my eyes were leaking mucopurulent discharge non-stop. I had to force my right eye to not swell for the duration of this film with willpower alone. Anything moderately bright burns my eyes, but all those explosions were totally worth not being able to see after the movie!

Ade: Um, okay, RJ. Thanks for that… insightful and way too revealing bit of information. So if anyone went to Iron Man 2 and ended up with conjunctivitis, it’s RJ’s fault. Anyway, before I go on with this scholarly review of the film, may I complain about Oliva Munn’s cameo? Way to go, Marvel, great way to waste talent.

EDIT: After X-Men: Apocalypse, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

RJ: Can I just say that I would have watched this film just for Scarlett Johansson? I really shouldn’t even bother explaining but damn, son! Look at her! Forgive my 4chanese, but DAT ASS! DEM HIPS! DOSE TITS! Damn!

Ade: That scene of her changing in the car? OGC!

RJ: Random thought: They should totally make a porn parody of Iron Man, Lexi Belle as Pepper? Yes please!

Ade: I agree. I can imagine it already: “Well, Pepper, you’d have to know why I’m called Iron Man. You see, iron NEVER goes soft. So yes, Pepper, I am made of iron DOWN THERE! In case you’re too dim to figure it out honey, my dick’s made of iron! Because it never goes soft! That’s why it’s made of iron! That’s they call me Iron Man! Because I never go sof–”

RJ: Wait, what?

Ade: I just realized that last paragraph I’ve written was probably an all-time low.

RJ: Hey Ade, are we done making boob jokes here?

Ade: Okay, okay, RJ. I’ll try to keep abreast of the situation here.

RJ: Dagnabit, Ade!

Ade: This review just refuses to redeem itself doesn’t it?

RJ: So yeah, insights. I personally think that the sequel is much more fun to watch than the original. I expected only 3 things:

  1. Robert Downey Jr.’s debauchery as Tony Stark.
  2. Robots fighting other Robots.
    2.5. Nick MUTHAFUCKIN Fury.
  3. Scarlett Johansson.

Iron Man II gave me much much more. This film had so many memorable lines I have a weird urge to kidnap Fiel’s pet cockatoo just so I can go around saying “DIS NOT MY BORD. I WONT MY BORD.” while getting weird glances from everyone. And “Don’t think. Drink.” is now written on my mirror.

Ade: Fiel’s… cockatoo? Duuuuuude.

RJ: Focus, dood! Focus! Penis jokes after the review, ok?

Ade: Aaaaanyway, Mickey Rourke was a fine, fiiine villain, man.

As for War Machine, Don Cheadle was way more badass than Terrence Howard. Suddenly Howard turned into a pansy compared to Cheadle’s portrayal of James Rhodes. Sadly though, Cheadle kept on using one facial expression throughout the film, apparently mistaking catatonia for intensity. Have you ever noticed how many times Cheadle looked into the eyes of the guy he’s talking to? That’s right, none. Also, I just totally contradicted everything I said about Cheadle in the first sentence, but fuck you too.

RJ: Rourke had the best lines, and never failed to take the audience’s attention. I just love it. I liked Cheadle’s portrayal of Rhodes, being able to be funny but not as a comic relief character like I imagine Terrence Howard would have been. Even with the serious business act, he manages to give us a chance to chuckle. As for RDJ himself, well, I’m sure everyone’s convinced that he was born to play Iron Man. I won’t be surprised if he becomes the next Adam West. But what really impressed me is the fact that even with the spotlight on RDJ, the supporting cast got to take everyone’s attention. This is what made the film so much fun to watch.

Ade: Wait, we totally overlooked Sam Rockwell’s Justin Hammer. There was never a more perfect guy to play the role. Sam Rockwell managed to play out this guy who envies Tony Stark and dreams of winning over Iron Man, but he lacks the charisma and, well, competence to be a Tony Stark. Who else laughed at his awkward dance at the expo? Rockwell fucking chewed the scenery whenever he was around.

RJ: I felt that Pepper needed more exposure/scenes, she didn’t have as much impact compared to the first film. They had so many things going on at the same time, miss Potts just got mashed up in between everything. Where’s the helmet-kissing scene, Marvel? And where’s AC/DC’s War Machine song? Huh? And where was that scene where Natasha has Tony’s repulsors and he’s teaching her to aim? Major armpit shot! Really can’t say anything more about Black Widow without degrading this post even further.

Ade: As much as I’d love to praise this movie to high heavens, I’d have to nitpick a lot of stuff I didn’t like with the film. Like the part where Tony Stark creates this new element. Who else thought it was fucking corny as hell? Also, there’s just no way anyone, not even Stark, would have the capability to make a particle accelerator in his basement. That takes some major verisimilitude right there, and I’m like the guy who thinks the fact that Batman crept his way out of a grave to punch out a helicopter only to be sent to the stone age by a god who he had a shoot-off with (using a god-gun loaded with a bullet that went back into the past) is the pinnacle of comic book writing.

I thought the part with Captain America’s shield and when we all thought we were going to get Vibranium was neat, though.

RJ: I know a lot of people who rolled their eyes at the scene where Stark makes a new element. I liked it, especially with Cap’s shield making a cameo. It almost assures that the new element is Vibranium. Marvel’s level of SCIENCE is much more wild than any other universe’s; You’ve got Richards, Doom, Cho, Pym etc doing crazy-ass things that can only be explained by saying IT’S SCIENCE, BITCH (w/c is totally better than Marvel trying to explain magic, fuck you Joe Q). Crazier things have and will happen.

Ade: There’s also the fact that whenever Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury went on screen, everything just suddenly becomes campy. The tone changes and it’s like I’m watching a different movie, with a guy in a futuristic armor, a guy in a leather trench coat and an eye patch, and a hot Russian (without a Russian accent) S.H.I.E.L.D. agent in a skintight outfit, eating donuts and drinking coffee. I mean, WTF happened there?

One more thing: I know that the whole point of the Mark IV Armor is to have the new Arc Reactor with the new (ugh) element in its core, but aside from the hipstery triangular chest piece, it doesn’t feel much of an upgrade from the previous armor. Come on, give us something like Extremis! Also, the triangular chest piece was obviously meant to keep in line with the comics, and that’s great and all, but the current comic book Iron Man armor took a page from the movies and… came out with a circular chest piece.

RJ: I think everyone knows this already, but the main flaw of the movie is that it (like most other comic book adaptations out there) tried to do too many things at the same time. Between Stark’s health, govt interference, the actual bad guys and promotion of the Avengers, Iron Man II barely manages to balance things out in the end. And I think the movie would have been much more captivating if they juggled one less and focused on characters and robots beating the living crap out of each other.

Ade: Yeah, they did try to cram way too much into the movie. But you have to admit, it worked way better than Spider-Man 3. Drunk Stark dancing is waaaay better than Emo Parker dancing.

RJ: Stop reminding me of emo-Parker’s musical number! The boss fight was a bit anti-climatic, I enjoyed the drone battles a LOT more. But seeing the drones that look like TAU Crisis Battlesuits and Broadsides from Warhammer 40k gave 2 entire rows multiple orgasms that night. And the ex-wife’s performance was so funny; a friend of mine shouted “SHOULDER CANNON” only to find it fail miserably. Like I said earlier, I had more fun watching Iron Man II, even with it’s flaws. Will definitely watch it again.

Ade: Oh god yes, the ex-wife bullet was so great. I was laughing so hard at the scene the guy sitting beside me looked like he wanted to punch the shit out of me. To be fair, Iron Man 2’s third act was leagues better than the first movie’s anti-climatic mess of a third act, right?

In the end the movie was still cohesive enough to warrant a second and third viewing. It’s just as fun as the first movie, and I am so glad they managed to successfully keep the original’s great blend of action and comedy. I’m looking forward to Iron Man 3, and I hope they push through with Demon in a Bottle, and not the watered-down version they gave us here.

Also, why was I left cold with the post-credits scene? I mean it’s the motherfucking Mjolnir, but why did I go “Oh. Okay,” and then hurried the hell out of the cinema? Did you also experience a disturbing lack of geekgasm, RJ?

RJ: IKR? I almost got into a fight during the credits, and all I was thinking of was “oh shit, hidden scene!”. And yes, the hammemr was awesome. But no ejaculation was had. I think we ran out of juice at the drone-fight.

Ade: HAMMEROIDS! That made me groan and LOL at the same time.

RJ: Aaaand we’re back to talking about semen and hemorrhoids, I think it’s time to wrap this up before we end up getting restraining orders.

Ade: Yeah, I might as well resume writing my script for this Iron Man… fan film. “I’m Justin Hammer! You wanna know, why, Ivan Vanko? You just spread your sweet Russia-”

RJ: OKAY GUYS WE’RE DONE HERE JUST GO THERE’S NOTHING MORE TO SEE STOP IT ADE THAT’S GROSS OH GOD DON’T MAKE ME READ THAT- OHMYGOD YOUJUSTDIDIHATEYOU

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