When you ask me what my favorite movie is, I’d probably stay quiet for a while and give you some pretentious artsy shit like City of God, or even the incomprehensible Babel to impress you. And if you happen to possess a vagina, I’d probably even name Orson Welles and Akira Kurosawa as my favorite directors so I can get into your pants, even though my only experience with these directors was when I snored through Citizen Kane and when I wanked off at the rape scene in Rashomon. (Shut up. 1950’s Japanese rape scene is STILL a Japanese rape scene.)

Yeah, I name all those films I can even barely understand so I can pass off as an artsy dude who gets all the ladies who swoon at a film freak. So far, I managed to nail one: Joan, the girl who sells popcorn at the Cineplex in SM San Lazaro, and she technically doesn’t have a vajajay. Also, Joan may or may not be her real name. For all we know, it might be “Juan”, but I refuse to elaborate any further.

But yeah, it’s all going to change because one movie significantly rocked my face and now I hate all things artsy and I shall declare my love for B Movies.


Especially B Movies starring a rather hot one-armed Japanese girl with a machine gun appendage.

I first heard about The Machine Girl from Baddie, who is one of the few people whose taste in movies I respect. And if you check IMDB, the plot actually goes something like this:

The life of a young, Japanese schoolgirl is destroyed when her family is killed by a Ninja-Yakuza family. Her hand cut off, she replaces it with various machines-of-death, and seeks revenge.

The synopsis doesn’t really give the movie any justice. Just watch the trailer:

I’ll give you a few minutes to pick up your face from the floor. You done? Okay. If you don’t say that this movie isn’t made out of several shades of awesome, you must be retarded.

What about the plot? That too is dripping with awesome. Girl’s brother gets killed by a gang of high school bullies. Apparently, the head of the gang belongs to a ninja Yakuza family. Girl tries revenge, gets her arm fried into a tempura, and eventually gets cut off in the process. So she gets herself a machine gun arm and tries again, against some deranged ninja girl with a drill bra and her husband wielding a flying guillotine.

I dunno about you, but this movie actually had me at “tempura”.

It’s got blood, flying limbs and heads, disembodied finger sushi, a lesbian subcontext, and of course, like anything that comes out of Japan, lots and lots of screaming. However, unlike most things that come out of Japan, it doesn’t feature enough upskirts. And no tentacles. And there is a glaring lack of Maria Ozawa in the movie. That kind of transgression cannot be overlooked.

In fact, the lack of Maria Ozawa, upskirts and tentacle rape is what’s keeping me from giving this movie a perfect 5.

I’m going to have to give it 4 Japanese… things.

So yeah, go ahead and watch The Machine Girl and have your face rocked off!

Have you seen it? What do you think? What other awesome films do you like?

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