Where do I start?

When I walked into the mall to watch Knowing, I saw a poster that had text written on 3/4 of it, vaguely trying to explain the movie’s plot. Wait. Why do you need to explain the movie’s plot on a poster with a paragraph? That was red flag #1.

Then, I saw this, in big letters: “From Summit, the makers of Twilight.” That does not bode well.

On paper, I thought it was an awesome concept: a bunch of numbers, buried in the ground via a time capsule, predicts various catastrophes. The numbers are so accurate that it tells you the the date, number of deaths, and exact location of the said catastrophes.

Sure, there were awesome visuals, and great sequences that entail a plane crash with burning screaming people running away from the wreckage. And the horrifying subway disaster that left my jaw hanging. And I like the fact that it tried to veer away from a cliched happy ending. But those were the only good bits.

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The rest of the film was a blur of me questioning the movie’s plot, ogling Rose Byrne, thinking “Hey that guy totally looks like Rick Astley,” snickering over some plot devices that had no payoff in the end, mentally screaming “ALIENS, MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS GODDAMMIT,” and wondering why a kid who needs a hearing aid can apparently hear perfectly without it (yes, the hearing aid is one of those plot devices).

Also, what the fuck is up with Nicolas Cage’s hair?! Can somebody explain it to me? Please?

Just to give you an idea how ridiculous this film is, it ends with a few billion people dead and the world in ruins, but aliens with 90’s hair save a couple of kids and white bunny rabbits (God, I wish I was kidding) and leave them stranded, without adult supervision, in an alien planet not unlike ours so that humanity can start over. I mean, how can those kids learn about sex by the time they grow up if there was no porn? Also, if the aliens did save some porn, won’t it be weird to watch it, because, you know, the rest of humanity is dead?

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God, I need a drink.

I give this one out of five bad 90’s hair.

rating

What do you think of Knowing?

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Just giving credit where it’s due: thank you Mellow 94.7 and DJ Ingrid for the premiere tickets.