Inner Child Therapy: Writer’s Block
INNER CHILD: Geez, you look horrible. What’s up?
ME: … I can’t write.
INNER CHILD: Seriously?
ME: Yeah.
INNER CHILD: No way. Writer’s block much?
ME: Yes, okay? Now get off my back and stop badgering me.
INNER CHILD: You’re mean.
ME: No, seriously. I’ve been staring at this goddamn laptop for days already and I can’t come up with anything decent. So please stop bugging me okay?
INNER CHILD: You’ve been staring at the laptop for… days?
ME: Of course I was exaggerating.
INNER CHILD: Did you take a bath or something?
ME: I… uh, WHAT?
INNER CHILD: Coz you’re on computer for days!
ME: I told you, I was exagg-
INNER CHILD: LOLOLOLOLOLOL!11
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BREAKING NEWS: Cat Gets Run Over By A Motorcycle, Turns Into A Woman
I got this very, very interesting piece of news over at the Nigerian Tribune:
WHAT could be described as a fairy tale turned real on Wednesday in Port Harcourt, Rivers State, as a cat allegedly turned into a middle-aged woman after being hit by a commercial motorcycle (Okada) on Aba/Port Harcourt Expressway.
Nigerian Tribune learnt that three cats were crossing the busy road when the okada ran over one of them which immediately turned into a woman. This strange occurrence quickly attracted people around who descended on the animals. One of them, it was learnt, was able to escape while the third one was beaten to death, still as a cat though.
According to a source who witnessed what happened, the cat-woman said she and the two other cat-fellows had travelled from Abuja to Port Harcourt to kill three people. “The woman said they came to Port Harcourt from Abuja and that they came to kill three people. She said they had succeeded in killing two people, but the third person, whom I guess might be a pastor, was difficult for them and that they were preparing to go back to Abuja,” said the source.
…Right.
Let me stop for a moment and let it sink first. Think about it. An assassin. A cat assassin. A cat assassin that turns into a woman. A cat assassin woman being given police protection to prevent the mob from getting to her.
I know. ZOMGOMGWTFRITE?
A cat turning into Halle Berry. I totally believe.
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Anger Management, I Fail At It
I’ve always thought of myself as the most patient person in the world. No, seriously. Just ask my ex girlfriends. (Kidding, ladies. Please don’t kill me.) But I’m becoming really, as in really, cranky and short-tempered as of late and it’s starting to worry me.
Anger. It bursts me at the seams.
Take this incident from last week, for instance. I was running late for work and I had to go through another astoundingly mind-numbing human crush over at the legendary MRT morning rush. There have been fables of casualties there, my cellphone being one of them. Anyway, imagine going through a human stampede on a daily basis, plus having to deal with various armpits and the whole gamut of bodily odors can really take its toll.
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Halloes Ladies.
Let’s just say last week was pretty weird for me. I’d rather not go into details, but let me just say the weirdness went into automatic proportions (a private joke there, har har har- what.) which rather left me depressed for the remainder of the week. If not for Sorsi I’d probably be depressed still. And that’s saying a lot, because when I talk to her I usually end up depressed and suicidal most of the time.
Anyway, I’ve probably been so awesometastically used to rejection that I don’t mind it lately (which is scary in itself). I really don’t understand what’s wrong with my approach. C’mon ladies, isn’t getting various pictures of me holding your mom hostage with the words “I Love You. Love Me Back. Or Else” written on her forhead the sweetest thing? Or the time I helpfully handed you your soap and shampoo in the shower? Wasn’t it a pleasant surprise?
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Metro Manila: A Survival Guide
You see the vast expanse of urban decay. You see an endless road, cluttered with tricycles, jeepneys, taxis, and various vehicles. In the horizon you see an impressive skyline of buildings, and at their feet you see a pile of makeshift homes made of used tires and rusted corrugated metal. And everything is coated with a think layer of smog and cigarette smoke.
Welcome, my friend, to Metro Manila.
It may look benign from a distance, but I swear, you will get killed if you are not careful. Metro Manila is home to various types of creatures, harmless and predatory, and you will lose your belongings (like an unviolated asshole, among other things) if you let your guard down for even just a moment. What you, need, kid, is a guide to guide you through the dirty and dangerous streets of Manila in spite of your naiveté.
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