I just witnessed the weirdest thing in the world.

I was hanging out in Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at Ortigas Park with Noelle; we were waiting for Adam Mordo and Marielle to arrive when this van stops in front of the park. The van’s doors suddenly burst open and out came these Korean kids. There were like ten kids who suddenly ran out of the van into the park, happily playing like it was the end of the world.

Korean Kids
Fig. 1: Reenactment.

Ten minutes later, the van opened its doors again, and as quickly as they disembarked from the van, the kids, seemingly with one mind, ran back into the van and boarded it. Like a swarm. Of Koreans. The van then closed its doors and left, leaving no trace of the Korean anomaly. And as quickly as they arrived, they were gone.

We just sat there staring in stunned silence with our jaws agape. Noelle couldn’t resist though; she just had to blurt out “Okay kids! Your ten minutes of sunshine are over. Back to the dungeons!”

Poor Korean Kids
Fig. 2: Back to the dungeons?

Okay, maybe I wouldn’t be weirded out if those kids weren’t Koreans. Okay, okay, it wouldn’t matter at all if they came from Korea, India, Zanzibar, Somalia, or whatever. Hell, no, just because I’ve tried very hard to be non-Korean all my life doesn’t mean I have to hate them. But those kids were acting like, um, drones. I’m sure there’s a conspiracy there somewhere. A conspiracy to take over our kids by turning them into drones!

There may be an evil Korean Overlord in the van who embedded mind control chips on those kids, holding a remote control, manipulating those kids to “play”, “sleep”, “eat kimchi”, “do the kawaii sign”, “go back into the van”, or “sit on Uncle Ade’s lap”. I mean, with a setup like that, it’s obvious that they’re powered by Satan. Our kids are in danger! From Satan!

What to do in case of an evil Korean Overlord mind control attack

  • Use mind bullets. I mean, mind bullets are easy to do. It’s just like farting or burping. Only much more awesome. You might just actually kill the Korean Overlord in the process. I mean, that’s what I’d do. Because I’m awesome like that.
  • Listen to Barbara Streisand non-stop. Recent studies show that listening to Barbara Streisand can actually stop the brain from functioning. So if you’re braindead, there’s no mind to control. Neat, ain’t it?
  • Do not watch Meteor Garden reruns. Yeah, yeah, it’s Taiwanese. They still look the same to me. Whatev.
  • Use those Ernie Baron foil-pyramid head thingies to stem the flow of Satan in your head. Okay, I seriously don’t know how they do. Just trust me on this. Remember, Ernie Baron is a genius. Look, nobody, and I mean nobody, can beat him when it comes to facts. I used to watch TV Patrol back when I was a kid because I just wanted to see him talk about Koalas and the weather and other intelligent shit like that.
  • If the Korean Overlord tells you to “Sit on Uncle Ade’s lap”, do not resist. Especially if you’re a hot girl. Uncle Ade will save you from the Koreans. Just don’t mind me if I’m smelling your hair and rubbing my crotch while you’re sitting on my lap. That’s just how I save the world.

Anyway, I don’t think we’re screwed just yet. I don’t think they’ll be able to control our minds just yet. Or maybe there’s just a logical explanation behind the weird behavior of the kids. Yeah. That would be it. Also, let’s not look down on Koreans. They may have an evil Korean Overlord in a van mind manipulating those kids to act like drones, but we owe Korea for the existence of Jun Ji-hyun and Koreanovelas.

I just wish that the evil Korean Overlord would just press the “sit on Uncle Ade’s lap” button on his remote control more often.

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Fig. 3: All Koreans grow up to be like this.

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