I’ve started on a new job a few weeks ago, and my schedule has been so hectic that all I’ve been able to do online is to check my email every now and then. I’ve missed blogging like hell, but the forced hiatus gave me time to actually think about my life and focus on my goals for a change.

Yep, this is one of those life-changing episodes they always talk about. I’ve started to plan for my future. These are the things I want to become in a few years from now:

Blog Celebrity

Job Description:
Basically, I’ll just inhabit my parents’ basement, sit in front of the computer the whole day, get fat, and write stuff about politics, religion, man boobs, and ugly people on my blog. And I’d be just as famous as the venereal, err, venerable Mike Villar.


How to Achieve Goal:

Squid wrote a series of articles about how to become one, and I’m too lazy to plagiarize, so just click on the damn link and read.

Job Benefits:

I have a blog! I get 250 comments per entry! I’m famous! And unlike the other 2,354,897,854,567,577 bloggers out there, I’m unique! w00t!

MySpace/Friendster Whore

Job Description:
I take pride at collecting as many friends in MySpace and Friendster as humanly possible. I have three thousand friends on each of my 21 accounts. I cannot spend ten minutes without itching to see if I have two new friend requests, or if somebody answered the survey that I posted on your bulletin board. Of course, that survey has that obligatory “post this within 15 seconds or a truck will fall on your foot” footer.

Or maybe one of my friends posted a testimonial! Yep, one just for me! Never mind the fact that she used the same testimonial for every one of her 3,000 friends (usually a variant of “You Rock!!! m/” or some pointless E-Greeting), it’s a totally unique testimonial that best describes me!

How to Achieve Goal:
I will use my non-existent HTML & CSS skills to modify my profile page so badly that any attempt to visit it would make a browser crash within the next five seconds. I would use a picture of me being as emo as possible as my profile pic. I would load the page with the biggest number of hi-res images so that even a hi-speed broadband connection would slow down because of the traffic. I would utilize the most horrid color combinations to make my content as unreadable as possible. I would master the use of sTiCkY cApS and OMG 133+ sP311nGzZzZ LOLOLOL!!1one Also, I won’t forget the YouTube video of me getting drunk and doing some stupid (and possibly illegal) thing.

Job Benefits:
I would get a lot of friends that would care so much about me. Even though I haven’t met them in real life and they’d forget about my pathetic existence five minutes after they approve my friend request.

Rock Star

Job Description:
I’m the frontman of some talentless band like Cueshe. I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t play an instrument, I can’t even hold a tambourine properly, but music critics are hailing my album as the greatest thing since sliced bread. I’d be famous and banging chicks left and right because of my pathetic display of my non-talents. However, I’d be so drunk in the morning that I won’t even remember the fact that the seemingly hot chick I hit on a few hours ago was actually my equally drunk male guitarist.

How to Achieve Goal:
First, I need to find a bunch of musicians that are amazingly talented but are willing to waste their gifts so we could form a band that’ll play my three-chord songs with lyrics that are variants of “I’m single and I’m so sad 🙁 .” We’ll advertise our uniqueness by labeling our music as “emo”, “goth”, “epic rock”, or some other uninspired tag that we just made up.

Job Benefits:
I’d get the chicks, the cash, and all the crap that goes with it. And fall into a drunken stupor.

Then I’d wake up and realize that I’ve wasted the last ten years getting drunk and I’ve lost all my money.

Best-Selling Author


Job Description:
It used to be hard to become a best-selling author. Back then, you actually had to know how to write. You need to write flowing prose that’ll capture the hearts and imagination of your readers and impress even the most stringent of critics. You need to have a great imagination and have the ability to make your readers see what is in your mind, like what Tolkien and J.K. Rowling did. Highfaluting words weren’t a necessity; simplicity is the key to many writers like John Steinbeck. You don’t even have to write novels, like what Frank Miller proved. All you need is intelligence and wit.

But it’s the 21st century! I can just use the dumbest idioms I can think of, string together an unimaginative plotline I’ve used for four books over, and add some flimsy (and plagiarized) research to the mix, and I have a best-selling novel that’ll top the charts and have a movie franchise to boot!

How to Achieve Goal:
Purchase a hundred typewriters. Get a hundred monkeys. Find a room that’ll accommodate the monkeys and typewriters. Wait. Submit to editor. Be famous.

Optional: Be controversial. Make sure I defame a) The Church, b) FBI, CIA, or some other government agency, and c) [insert name of secret organization here]

Job Benefits:
I can actually fool people into thinking that I’m intelligent.


What are your dreams? Leave a comment to tell me!

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