So I was supposed to watch James Cameron’s comeback film, Avatar, last weekend. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I wasn’t able to make it to the last full show. I’m not supposed to tell you the details, but it involved a velociraptor and Jesus. I’d like to tell you more, but I promised the cops I won’t talk about that again. But the whole point is that I’m supposed to be writing a review about this film that I haven’t even seen, and I’m panicking the shit out. In an act of desperation, I open up a torrent website, and search for and download Avatar.

Avatar Poster

Now I don’t have a way to figure out if I did get the real thing. But then, the movie’s going to be about a bunch of half-naked blue men prancing around, saying stuff in gibberish, while being totally epic in the signature James Cameron way. If I see one blue guy in the film, then I’m pretty sure it’s Avatar, right? There can’t be too many films featuring blue guys. So I double-click the movie file, slouch in my chair for a few hours of cinematic bliss, and watch as blue-skinned CGI people wage war against- wait, what the fuck?

HOLY
Jesus Christ.

And dear reader, as much as I would like to stop writing this article because of the overwhelming need to stab both my eyes repeatedly with a lead pencil, I shall resist all suicidal urges until I finish my review of this The Smurfs Hardcore “Avatar” movie that I downloaded.

The Smurfs Hardcore Avatar came on the box office with pretty high expectations. After all, the director, James Cameron, made his last film over a decade ago (it was a little-known movie called “Titanic,” ever heard of that?) and it was for a while the biggest-earning movie. Also, it inspired a lot of horrible photo collages:

Titanic photo collage

Did James Cameron live up to expectations in this film?

Special Effects

I wasn’t able to watch the film in IMAX or 3D, so I can’t judge the film in those aspects. However, I’ve been told that a large part of the film is in 3D and in CGI, even. However, the supposedly lush forest backgrounds don’t look like it was from an alien planet, it looks like it was shot in a small patch of forested land in the outskirts of town.

Even the Na’avi look like people with blue paint on them, instead of alien tribesmen.

What about the battle scenes? They were crap. The supposedly epic battles ended looking up like group sex, and the CGI-rendered explosions disturbingly resembled a certain bodily fluid produced by men.

If this movie took more than 10 years to wait for technology to catch up so we can have awesome CGI, disappointment is an understatement to describe what I’m feeling right now.

Plot

Avatar has been criticized for having a plot that was eerily similar to Pocahontas. I beg to disagree. There was nothing in the film even remotely resembling Pocahontas. However, I don’t think the plot was entirely original. It’s just your typical “all-men tribe of blue-skinned alien creatures fucking the lone female in the tribe” plot. The years have not been kind to James Cameron’s scriptwriting skills.

Characterization

I don’t know what James Cameron was gunning for, but portraying the Na’avi as horndog aliens worked to the film’s detriment. Also, scene after scene of disturbing blue creature on blue creature copulation tends to suck the will to live out of the audience. Is Avatar that immersive that it actually drives people to kill themselves or does the film maker simply have a thing for blue creatures? We’ll never know.

Overall

I find it disturbing that Avatar has been loved by a lot of people. In fact, blue creatures fucking the hell out of each other for two hours straight isn’t something I want to see on the big screen, much less on 3D. I know the plot isn’t supposed to be brilliant and we’re supposed to immerse ourselves in the amazing 3D world, but clearly I am missing something here. Also, the urge to throw up after seeing that 12-inch blue penis was too strong for me to appreciate the finer aspects of that film.

One star.

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