Before anything else, let me post a YouTube video of that cursed song. Please feel free to play it over and over again as you read my blog entry so you can get into my state of mind as I wrote this.

Back when I was a kid, hearing Christmas songs weeks before Christmas gave me a feeling of excitement and wonder. Heck it made me think of peace and goodwill and everything Christmassy. Also it means getting a shitload of gifts and I’d probably get the Ecto-1 I’ve always dreamed of. So I used to run around singing all the carols I hear, slowly driving everyone around me to madness because of my slightly (ok, not slightly… it’s more like majorly) off-tune singing screeching.

Ah, how times have changed.

You see, right now, Christmas carols remind me of two things: the Christmas rush to buy gifts and the soul-crushing feeling of carrying a shitload of gifts (mostly mugs and scented candles; I give picture frames to my really close friends) while my wallet was crying for mercy.

Whenever I hear that song right now, I go “HOLY FUUUUUU-” and sit up rigid, eyes glazed, and unable to talk for an hour or so. When I snap out of that catatonic state, I clutch my wallet instinctively and comically run away. Also, I usually end up faceplanting on a glass door before being escorted outside by mall security.

Heck, if you think I’m exaggerating, the will of Iraqi prisoners were broken down with Metallica and Sesame Street music being pumped loudly in their cells via muzak. Now imagine what that Jose Mari Chan Christmas song (I shall do my best to not mention it) can do to you.

I can see the customers walking around the mall like zombies, mindlessly grabbing a random item from a shelf here and there, while the song plays in the background ad nauseam. In the meantime, the mall owner looks at his willing drones via CCTV. With every customer walking towards the cash register, a loud “KA-CHING!” can be heard through a speaker in his cigar smoke-filled office. He grabs the jewel case of the Jose Mari Chan Christmas Album and gives it a long kiss.

Of course, it took a bit of arm-wrenching to get the board of directors to agree with him to play that song on an endless loop. He had to make up grandiose statements about the song being an “uplifting song that exemplifies the spirit of Christmas” and how it will “spread the joy and cheer of Christmas to every patron,” and to remind everyone that “this season, may we never forget the love we have for Jesus.”

All lies. That song is a black hole of despair and loneliness designed to suck all happiness from every man.

My point is, there are other songs to play this Christmas. I’ll take Michael Bolton’s Christmas album anytime, for fuck’s sake.

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