It’s no secret that however wonderful the internet may be, 90% of the things in it are crap. This crap that comprises a huge part of the internet ranges from the mediocre to horrible. In fact, anyone who’s spent more than three hours on it will be desensitized from shitty stuff for life. However, every now and then, something comes out that is so absolutely stupid and bad that it loops back to being hilarious. We feel a bit of our soul dying as we enjoy watching the worst humanity has to offer, but we can’t just stop.
This video, by Filipino boy band 1:43, is one of those things.
RJ: Dude, 90% of the internet is porn. Why aren’t we talking about porn? We should talk about porn. Oh yeah, before we start embarrassing ourselves, I would like to say that I was FORCED into doing this! :E Why would you even do this, Ade? WHY? D:
Ade: A few hours ago I caught myself humming the chorus of that song as I was walking home. And I was bobbing my head to it. I didn’t want to be the only one with that horrible song in my head, so I looked for someone to share the pain with, RJ. And you’re a funny writer.
RJ: You’re just taking advantage of my kind-hearted demeanor. And maybe this is your way of taking revenge for all those times I sent you pics of hot women with penises.
Ade: Actually, you’re just my most gullible friend. Ok, review? Write for free?
RJ: 2 handjobs or no deal.
Ganito pala ang feeling ng paskong may ka loving
Ade: I know that k-pop is really huge right now. I mean, I see it everywhere, I hear it everywhere, and apparently there were concerts filled to the brim with hot hormonal women throwing their panties away at a moment’s notice. I believe that it’s because the singers are, well, hot. They’re probably talented, but their music is mostly mediocre, the lyrics are unintelligible (YOU MEAN I HAVE TO LEARN A WHOLE NEW LANGUAGE?), and there’s really nothing appealing about the songs. But throw in the Wondergirls…
Ade: … and I find myself watching that accursed “Nobody” video on loop for hours on end.
RJ: I never really cared about k-pop until very recently. Mostly because of one video that has 5 petite korean girls shaking their butts every 30 seconds. And, after getting their discography; I never really got into the other songs until I saw the other videos, coz they’re all shaking and dancing and being HOT and all. The music is like an added bonus. Just like all pop music, except in Korean. And with hot Korean girls. Dancing. Yeah.
Ade: So, I believe the reason k-pop has a following in these parts is that artists themselves sell. Not, you know, the music. The reason I’m writing that long-ass discourse is because I’m really trying hard to find a way to sugarcoat the fact that 1:43’s song sucks. But I can’t, so I’m just saying it. It fucking sucks.
I thought cold December nights again ang gift ni Santa para sa akin
RJ: Dammit, I thought we were gonna talk about k-pop and and Korean chicks in general? D:
Ade: No, we’re here to talk about a bunch of guys wearing their pants so tight they have cameltoes.
RJ: Yes, Ade. I needed to see that. D:
Ade: So, what do you think of the lyrics? They’re so fucking profound. I mean, lines like “Para kang parol sa aking bubong,” make absolutely no sense, yet they burn themselves in your mind and you go crazy trying to understand what the hell that means. I seriously can’t figure out if the broken taglish was done on purpose to sound like it was written by a Korean who only had Google Translate at his disposal or if it was indeed written by a Korean who had only Google Translate at his disposal.
My heart so very happy umaga hanggang gabi
RJ: DUDE, one of them is named Yuki. YUKI. How gay is that? And GOLD? Really? Did they really choose their stage names? What if those are their real names? Anjo, Kim, Yuki (LOL) and Gold! And together, they are.. ONE FOUR THREE! Oh god, why are we doing this again?
Ade: … man, that picture above is exactly how my face looked like when I read their names. Here’s a question: is the video out of sync with the audio or are they just really sucky at lipsyncing? I don’t think it’s technical, because if you mute it and remove 1:43 and focus on the hot girls, the video’s actually well-made. Well, anything is going to end up well-made if you take 1:43 out of the picture, but I doubt the lipsync snafu’s a post-prod error.
RJ: Nah, they’re just trying too hard to smile while lipsynching. WAIT, THE SONG HAS LYRICS?
Ade: Yes, check out the lyrics, GameOps helpfully compiled it for us.
Ade: Why is that guy so mad at that girl for giving him a gift?
RJ: Maybe that’s his rape face? Or he’s just constipated? Or both!
Ade: Wait, have you noticed the dancing? I’m not a fan of Rain, but I think he’s a great dancer. Heck, he faced off against Colbert in a dance-off and that makes him awesome in my book. 1:43, on the other hand, aren’t even trying. I’ve seen epileptics pull off better moves while in the middle of a seizure.
Tayo’y mangagsiawit ng magagandang himig coz you and I we’re pag-ibig
RJ: Rain dancing? Check this out! He even wears a Saiyan armor from Dragon Ball Z! Here, have a GIF.
Ade: Anyway, my point is, if you’re going to be in a fucking boy band, you need to dance. Heck, even Steps had better coordination than these guys. Don’t tell us that they’re just a singing group, because you don’t make a “singing group” USE FUCKING AUTOTUNE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING SONG.
RJ: Maybe if they had made a slightly decent song instead of an incomprehensible, taglish gibberish of a song, the music video could have been less-horrible! And I’m not sure if they know that they’re using “pacute’” choreography
stolen from similar to FEMALE k-pop groups.
Ade: Wait, Rain is a female k-pop group?
RJ: Yes. He is. My attempts at leading this discussion towards real k-pop groups is working! Yes!
Merry Christmas na sa aking puso
Ade: Anyway, if this is going to start a trend in local music similar to the way Lito Camo made double-meaning novelty songs a mainstream thing for half a decade, we’re fucked.
RJ: Remember when local TV stations tried to ride on the k-pop wave by making local versions? P-pop? I’m not sure who’s behind it all, but somewhere out there..someone is laughing. At us. They gets to troll an entire country (and some internet communities) and potentially get rich(er) at the same time? GENIUS!
Para kang parol sa aking bubong
Ade: All you need to do is to find a bunch of oriental-looking kids who don’t mind losing their dignity, write a crappy song aping k-pop, complete with the broken grammar, and you’re set for life! I suddenly miss The Sexbomb Dancers for some reason.
RJ: Yeah, I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Ade. I don’t even know why we’re doing this in the first place! I could be watching KARA shake their bums right now, but you made me watch this stupid video! :E
Sarap ng monita la-Christmas bonita angel ka sinta
Ade: If you wake up tomorrow humming that song, then my work here is done.
RJ: God dammit, Ade! From now on, I won’t specify if the pics I send you are real girls or not anymore! :E
Ade: … fuck.
Strangely, this post generated hate mail even before it was written. Some screencaps were blatantly stolen from Abby, and I blame Thysz for showing me the video in the first place. You can like 1:43’s Facebook page here (thanks for the link, Rico!), if you dare. Thanks, guys. Cause love mo ko.