Now maybe I’ve been stretching myself a little too thin lately, but I’m really feeling a bit burnt out. You see, juggling stuff between my three bands, my job, and blogging duties, I might have actually bit a little more than what I can chew. Right now I find myself falling asleep in all the weirdest places and times. Okay, so it may not be a really big deal, but try explaining to the cops that you just woke up and you have no idea why you’re in the middle of Cubao naked and hugging a blow-up love doll. I swear, it boggles the mind up to this day – no, wait, I can explain!
I probably deserve a vacation, but I just took one and it turned into a drunken blur – I don’t remember much from it, and I think I’m better off not knowing what I missed. There’s a hazy memory of being woken up in the bus by a soft and steady chanting of “Cheeseburger, Chicken, Cheeseburger” from some random guy dressed in orange, and I’m really scared how the rest of my missing memories will turn out.
Anyway, this constant stream of work day in and out is seriously getting on my nerves. Okay, I’m not complaining. Honestly. I’m grateful that I’m never running out of stuff to do, but sometimes I wish I was in some high-rise, sipping Tequilla Sunrise out of expensive crystal glasses, stroking a black cat luxuriously lying down on my left thigh, as my team of scientists work overtime to fulfill my nefarious plans to rule the world. Mmmmm, supervillainy.
I think I may have a new goal in life, you guys.
Now as I plan my future life of opposing truth, justice, and that other thing, I know I will have to run into the occasional army contingent and/or superhero, so I need to make preparations. So, you know, my super villainy ambitions won’t end up in flames and tears. So I need to prepare a checklist of stuff I need to work on if I were on the way to supervillany.
- Hidden Lair – now this is going to be necessary, isn’t it? I mean, if I am going to go about my evil ways, I need a place to work my shit in peace. Experiments involving the wholesale trading of souls to the devil or particle accelerators that can have devastating effects of humanity aren’t exactly the short of things you can just do where everyone can see you. I’m thinking if I should purchase an underwater city, a base on the moon, an underground cave system, or a satellite in orbit. The satellite seems to be a bit kitschy though (not to mention expensive), so I might as well cross that one out.
- Bumbling Henchmen – This may seem unproductive (how else do you think those pesky superheroes can actually ruin the villain’s airtight plans?) but think about it: the stupider my henchmen are, the smarter I’ll appear. And these guys are so stupid nobody cares if they die as collateral damage in the eventual explosive and climatic showdown with the hero. Also, I know they won’t scheme against me, and if they do, read the next entry.
- Sniveling Traitorous Underlings – Because I need someone other than superheroes to fight. And I’d actually win in a fight against these people. These guys would actually try to usurp me so they can take over my evil organization myself, or they simply had a change of heart and they’re trying to do right. And since the Sniveling Traitorous Underling is actually a subclass of the Bumbling Henchman, I’m pretty sure nobody would notice or even care if I vaporize these goddamn traitors.
- Evil Doomsday Machine – I suppose I need one of these so I can be a real threat to the world, right? If I don’t have something like a thermonuclear doomsday device or a particle accelerator that can open a black hole the size of Belgium, people will just laugh at me and nobody would even hear my demands. I guess being ignored unless I pose a threat is the price I have to pay if I surround myself with moronic henchmen.
- Evil Awesome Name That Strikes Fear – Now THIS I have got to work on. Will I be Captain Atomifission the Nuclear Nemesis, or Cleaver Man, the guy who can slice you in half with his bare hands, or Doctor Plagueia, the harbinger of (probably venereal) disease and doom? Once I think up of a name, I better trademark that shit too. I don’t want people cramping my style. Now, who would be a good patents lawyer to terrorize into submission?
Okay, now I’m really excited to go about this shit. Now I need to start my supervillanous misdeeds somewhere, and I don’t know where to start. I probably need a hostage. Or two. Or probably a bumbling henchman. I don’t know. Would you kindly volunteer to be my first victim/henchman/whatever, my loyal reader?