That swine flu thing has finally reached our shores, and the number of infected people are escalating. So, what’s most logical thing to do? Panic. Yes, that’s what we’re doing now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not downplaying the effects of swine flu. It’s dangerous and all, but seeing people around me panic is just not doing anyone good. Because I tend to freak out too; and whenever I freak out I curl into a fetal position and suck my thumb. Want to know how jumpy people are? Everytime somebody coughs in the elevator, I could literally see everyone’s head turning towards the poor guy, with MURDER written on their faces. I’m pretty sure if somebody initiated a punch, everyone would be involved within five seconds. The poor sap won’t reach the ground floor alive.

There’s a palpable tension in the air that was never there before. Everyone’s so uneasy, similar to the feeling of watching another Hayden Kho sex scandal video, but instead of Katrina Halili, he’s boning Dionisia Pacquiao this time.

Hayden Kho Nanay Dionisia Pacquiao sex scandal
In case you needed a visual aid

Have you seen those zombie films? The ones where a zombie bite transmits the virus and turns the poor victim into a zombie? Ever see how everyone’s paranoid and shit and you’d hear lots of “YOU’RE A ZOMBIE!” “NO, YOU’RE A ZOMBIE!” “WELL, YOU’RE MOM’S UGLY! AND A ZOMBIE!” whenever the survivors get together? If I get stuck with those people in the wake of a zombie apocalypse, I’d get my shotgun and shoot their heads off. And I’ll live with the zombies. At least they’re a quiet bunch.

Death by zombie
Quiet bunch

One more thing: zombies, even though they’re murderous little bastards, they don’t punk people. Okay, yeah, they tend to hide in very dark areas and all, waiting for an unsuspecting victim. But they’re just there. They don’t misinform people for the heck of it.

Case in point: we’ve been getting these really stupid messages that there’s been swine flu outbreaks in malls, office buildings, everywhere. I get it, swine flu is scary as shit, but come on guys. Everyone’s been jumpy enough already. Stop misinforming people, you stupid fucks. Aling Dionisia levels are bad enough already, let’s not escalate this to Madame Auring.


Stupid fucking quote
There’s a reason why the rainy season is also flu season, you guys.
And I rhyme, yo!

So in other words: fuck this swine flu shit. Right now, I’m stocking up on food supplies and short-range firearms, and I’m building a small foxhole here in my office cubicle. If any one of you sneezes, I’ll be screaming “YOU FUCKING ZOMBIE!” and spray you with Lysol and kick you out of my office.

Read More: