I tend to miss a lot of movies the first time they come out. I don’t know if it’s got something to do with laziness or the fact that I’m usually blissfully unaware of the world around me or I’d rather spend my day watching the latest Ashlyn Rae video (no, not really) but I tend to end up looking at my friends with a blank stare and going “Buh?” when they talk about the latest awesome movie.

This is why I’m making up for missing all those times by checking out some movies I’ve missed. Also, I’ve got a huge queue of unwatched movies sitting on my hard drive – I seriously need to free up disk space. I guess wasting my time writing reviews won’t hurt a bit since I’ve got nothing better to do.

Kick-Ass

High school kid gets bored with his life. Apparently jacking off to his middle-aged teacher’s bewbies isn’t a gratifying pastime anymore (I know it’s not – don’t ask) so he decides to do something more fulfilling. He dresses up in a diving suit and proceeds to be a superhero beating up criminals in the middle of the night- oh, wait, I mean he gets beaten up -and teams up with Nicolas Cage, and the most foul-mouthed 13-year old you’ll ever meet. They manage to take down the mafia.

I love the comics, and it’s no surprise that this movie is an instant favorite. It’s no classic, of course, but it’s a fun watch.

Nowhere Boy

After Kick-Ass gets bored with superheroics, he inexplicably turns up in Liverpool with a Liverpudlian accent and he’s… John Lennon. He starts to hang out with his estranged mother, and they have a creepy, almost Oedipal relationship.

I don’t know how Kick-Ass thinks that having John Lennon as his new secret identity to hide from the mafia’s inevitable payback is a good idea. I’m disappointed at how this movie deviates from Kick-Ass’ blend of action and comedy – what the fuck is up with the drama and singing? I’m sure Mark Millar never approved of this.

Dear Zachary

A man is brutally murdered. His ex-girlfriend reveals that she’s pregnant with his son. His best friend goes off into a journey to collect video memories from friends and family so that the kid may one day know what kind of man his father was. Also, it’s the most depressing and emotionally scarring film I’ve seen. Yay?

Don’t check the Wikipedia page, nor the official site, nor even Google for the title if you haven’t seen it yet – you need to watch it blissfully unaware of what happens in this film. If this documentary doesn’t reduce you to a humanity-hating blubbering ball of tears by the end, you are a horrible heartless excuse of a human being and you should be kept away from puppies and kittens.

Shutter Island

Leonardo DiCaprio is on a boat, and he doesn’t scream “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD” this time. He teams up with Mark Ruffallo, who is surprisingly not in a romanic movie. They end up on an island full of insane murderers run by Gandhi, and, well, it kind of becomes confusing at this point.

Seriously, what the hell happened there? The movie was pretty good until until the big reveal, which is clever, but was done in a way that I just ended up scratching my head. Also, I couldn’t fap off to Michelle Williams due to the fact that she was FUCKING COVERED IN BLOOD ALMOST ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME.

Inception

Okay, I cheated. You know how this movie goes and how much I loved it. This review is unnecessary and I just needed to fill this space and waste your time.

This Ain’t Batman XXX: A Porn Parody

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAyeah I watched this one. I mean, Lexi Belle as Batgirl, come the fuck on. Oh, shut up. This is the first porn film that I watched that I didn’t look forward to seeing the sex scenes, because watching people in superhero tights fucking is not really my thing.

This movie played out exactly like an episode of the 60’s show, except for the fact that they were taking off their clothes and, well, fucked each other’s brains out. I was disappointed at one thing though – they didn’t use the signature sound effects for certain scenes involving bodily fluids (I’d kill to see “SPLOOSH!” on-screen).

Also, that Joker three-way scene was fucking creepy as hell.