I swear, condom-buying is already as stressful as it is: you have to walk around the store pretending to be buying something totally unrelated, hence you have to pick up random shit like deodorants and paper clips and toenail clippers and toothpaste and merely pretend to stumble upon the condom by accident in case that hot girl you’ve been eying the moment you walked into the store has been looking at you and think that you’re a perv.

Then you have to lug around your totally unnecessary stuff which you will have to shell out a few hundred bucks for, and when the clerk scans your stuff and gets to the condom, she’d guffaw like crazy, point at you, and with her loud loud voice, announce to the entire shop that you just bought a condom, and unbelievable as it sounds because you look a little like John Candy with a creepy pedo-beard, you’re going to get laid. Finally.

Also, you might think that it happened to me. You are so wrong. It happened to a… friend. Named Schmade.


Schmade

I don’t know about you, but shouldn’t drugstore clerks have some sort of etiquette for condom-buying customers? I honestly don’t think loyal condom-buying patrons would appreciate being given strange looks by drugstore staff and then getting laughed at. Loudly.

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Won’t it be better if you present a pack of condoms to the counter, you’d be greeted with a smile (a warm and customer-friendly smile) and a canned spiel (a warm and customer-friendly spiel) along the lines of “Thank you for your condom purchase, sir. May I suggest upselling you to this other more expensive brand? It’s ribbed for her pleasure!” And if they sense that the buyer is a nervous first-timer, they’d even give helpful tips (warm, customer-friendly tips) on how to put it on and use it. Or maybe they’d even offer you some hands-on help (warm, customer-friendly hands-on help) putting it on even.

putting a condom on

So Schmade here tells of his experience to his girlfriend. No, not the secks, but of the getting laughed at by the drugstore clerk. You see, he was hoping to get some sympathy and get a little pity secks in the process. But the thing is, Schmade told me that the girlfriend was too busy laughing at him to show some empathy. Secks was obviously out of the question.

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DISCLAIMER: Any similarities between Schmade and any person, living, dead, or named Ade, is purely coincidental.

EDIT: I just realized that my aunt and two uncles read my blog. Fuck.