Dear DtH,

I have never been laid in my life. Ever. I mean, I try to make a move and get some every now and then, but I really can’t. Pathetic. you see, I’m just an ugly piece of crap and I’m never gonna get the taste of a female in my life ever.

Human, that is.

You see, I was passing by my grandma’s farm the other day, and I saw this cow. And well, she was the finest specimen of bovine meat ever. And I’m using “meat” liberally. So I went to the cow, and I got a whiff it’s aroma… and… and… and…
I’m not gonna go into the specifics, but let me just say grandma caught the cow and me with my pants down and we’re getting married this week. I want a HUMAN wife, DtH!

What have I gotten myself into?! (please, no “beef curtain” puns)

— Desperate for Bovine


Dear Desperate for Bovine,

Wow.

Y’know what’ll make your situation more pathetic? If your, erm, wife does a cleaveland steamer on you. I mean, doing the steamer with humans is gross already… but with a cow…

***

Dear DtH,

i have a girl i like and she like not me i really wnat her my wife but she hate my guts i really want her i love her i been slashing my rwist for her but she jsut ran away and cry am i freak dth,,, i cry and i cry and she cry and she hate my guts dth i want to die dth plsea hl;ep me i really am confuse really dth wat can i do;;; i am sad like ornussa;;; ornussa sadness lol;;;;

— really confsued guy

Dear really confsued guy,

I don’t know about you, but I can’t understand a single thing. I’m really sorry, I don’t speak retard.

You see, I’d like to help you, but that girl you’re seeing ran away with Steel. I mean, he’s just as retarded as you are (maybe even worse), but at least he can speak and write properly.

Want the evidence? Here:

Aw c’mon, don’t cry. It can’t be that bad. I mean, you can still slash your wrists if you want to.

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