There’s this girl that I like. She’s smart, pretty and with an awesome personality- basically the whole package. So to cut a long story short: we became close friends, and just as when I was about to admit my feelings for her, I just found out that she is actually a transvestite. I like her, but the very fact that she has a dick makes my stomach churn. But I like her. I am now so confused. What should I do?
Dear Man Beef,
Are you sure you don’t like dicks? Just looking at the name you sent your letter in seems to indicate that you go for dicks and all that. But since I have quite a number of gay readers who I don’t want to offend (which I think I already have, dammit), I’m gonna steer away from a discussion of dicks already.
Well, here’s a small test where you can actually find out whether you can stomach the fact that your girlfriend is a transvestite:
- Lock yourself up in a room for a week
- Listen to nothing but the Village People and Barbara Streisand
- Eat nothing but Sam Milby’s All-Meat Jumbo Hotdog
After you do all that and you come out of that room feeling mightily manly (where you don’t get an impulsive need to rape the first male you see), then you can’t hook up with your transvestite girlfriend, I’m sorry.
Also, you can still take up slashing – you’re an emo after all.
I don’t know what to do with my life.
Dear Catholic School Boy,
I don’t know what to do with your life either.
I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend of five years. And now she suddenly became so emo that it’s impossible to stand her. She suddenly is now thinking of killing herself. her BLOG is so full of EMO crap nowadays and her IMs are depressing me… HELP?!?!?!
You committed a mortal sin: you did not provide a link to the blog. I would like to make fun of it. Also. you may remind your friend who broke up with whom. I mean, isn’t that obvious? Also, if she starts slashing her wrist or something, advise her not to post the pictures on her blog, because, well, that’s retarded. Suicide is the best way to become a big joke on teh interwebs. Also, if your friend is still depressed over some wussy guy, I do know of quite a number of guys (STEEL) who would like to meet and hook up with your friend.
Ooops. I go now.
Feeling emo? Send me email at noisynoisyman [at] gmail [dot] com!