dear dth

how do i recover from a broken heart you see i am so depressed because my boyfriend left me yesterday and i am crying even now as I write this letter i need your help please 🙁

lonl3y_gurl

Dear lonl3y_gurl,

I would like to offer you any sort of help but your inability to use the shift key and to locate the punctuation marks on your keyboard irks me. I suggest you use a newly-sharpened butcher’s knife to slice your neck cleanly instead. Make sure you slice deeply enough to cut your air passage as well. That would be nice if you do it within five minutes upon reading this post. Thank you, and have a great day.

***

Dear DtH,

Why are you making fun of sad and lonely people? Instead of insulting them you can give them genuine advice so that they could get their lives straight. You see, it happened to me once. I was so lonely and distressed because my girlfriend left me. I was down and lonely for a year, until my friends and family gave their advice to cheer me up. You see, without them I would’ve ended my life right away. Depression isn’t funny. Stop being such a jerk and help “emos” get over their pain.

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Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld,

Gee, you’re right! Maybe I should stop making fun of emos. I should instead offer them genuine empathic advice, so that they’d lead happier lives. If I can stop just one emo from slashing his/her wrist, the world will be a happier place. And that emo would be indebted to me. And I’d be a hero! A saint, even!

Lemme think about that…

Nah, it’s easier to make fun of them.

***

DearDtH,

My boyfriend and I have this dirty little secret: we like to record our private acts with a camera phone so that whenever we’re apart we can look at our steamy videos and bear missing each other.

However, I lost my phone the other month, and our videos started to spread like wildfire. We now can’t leave home without people staring at us. Once, a guy even tried to get my autograph! Now my family wants to kill my boyfriend. He is in hiding. I miss him so.

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DtH, I badly need your advice. What do I do? The burdens of life are so heavy.

full_of_regret

Dear full_of_regret,

Well, my favorite part was where you did that contortion thingy when you were on top of your boyfriend. Care to send me the rest of the video?

——-
Feeling emo? Send me email at noisynoisyman [at] gmail [dot] com!

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