As much as I don’t like The Da Vinci Code that much (Read Pau’s article here; we share the same sentiments), I have enjoyed reading it for pure escapism. It is quite a page-turner, I must admit.

I hear that Dan Brown is busy preparing his next book, called The Solomon Key. It’s going to have Robert Langdon again as the protagonist, but he’s going to tackle a totally different conspiracy. I don’t understand why he’s gonna do that. He’s got a lot of loose ends left over from Da Vinci Code! He can’t just leave us hanging and waiting for the answers!

I guess it is up to me. Here is how I’d tie up those loose ends:

***

  Well, Sophie, that was one great honeymoon, wasn’t it?

  Oh yeah, Robert, it would’ve been great for me as well if only you didn’t try to decipher every single pretty clue coming your way.

  What the hell are you talking about?

  What were you doing inside the bathtub of that gorgeous Swiss woman at room 856, huh?

  But honey, she… she promised me that she’ll reveal the secret of the Sacred Feminine if I’ll be a good boy!

  Sacred Feminine my ass. It looked like Feminine Dominance to me. You had your wrists handcuffed to the goddamn faucet! If I ever catch you doing that again…

  Well, well, guess who’s back.

  Teabing? How the hell did you get out of jail?

  Does it matter? I’m free to do my revenge, and that’s all that matters to me!

  You’ve totally lost your marbles now. Oh good.

  Revenge, huh? What’ll you do? Kill us?

  For starters, that IS exactly what I was thinking of. But before I kill you, I have to reveal an even bigger secret.

  What the hell are you talking about?

  This secret is much more powerful than what the Priory of Sion has been keeping. It will destroy you, trust me. Join my side, and you will be safe from it.

  You know I won’t! You’re evil! You’re a bad man and you’ll go to hell!

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  Oh, Robert. There are so many things you haven’t figured out yet.     Hasn’t anyone told you?

  Told me what? Obi-Wan told me enough. You… you killed my father!

  NO, ROBERT… I AM YOUR FATHER!!!1one

  You’re my dad? No shit?

  I was hoping for a more dramatic response from you, but yes, I am your dad.

  But… but you’re gay! How can you be my father?

  Haven’t you figured it out? That is the secret the Church has been trying to hide for years! I’m gay, yet I fathered a son! A son with a lousy hairdo at that!

  Hey, quit it with the hair, ok? Chicks dig it.

  Um, guys, hello? Where do I fit in this?

  It only gets better from here. Sophie, you are my beloved daughter.

  WHAT?

  Say hello to your brother, Sophie.

  Robert’s my brother?

  AND YOU LET US GET MARRIED AND GO ON THAT HONEYMOON? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US SOONER? DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT A RETARD FOR A GRANDCHILD, YOU SICKO?

  Oh wait… I was in jail. Have you forgotten that little detail? I could have stopped you from marrying and producing retards, but who put me behind bars in the first place?

  …

  That’s right, YOU.

  NOOOOOOO!

  Oh God, I think I’m gonna be sick.

  Sick?! This is beyond sick! This is the stuff genocides are made of! I’m gonna kill myself!

  Oh good, I wanna see this.

  Robert Langdon, you’ve discovered enough. It’s time to put a stop to this madness once and for all.

  DAVID HASSELHOFF? What the hell are you doing here?

  As a member of the Lifeguard Association of Male Enthusiasts (LAME), I have been assigned to keep watch over you. And if you find out more than what is healthy for you, I exterminate you all. Yes, even you, Teabag.

  Teabing.

  Whatever. I kill you all now! w00t!

  Why do the weirdest people try to kill me? First, it was an evil albino monk. Now, it’s an evil-yet-ambiguously-gay lifeguard. What’ll they think of next?

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  Hold it right there, you hot piece of assassin-man, you! Nobody dies today!

  Mom?! I thought you were dead!

  Oh son, I’ve missed you so much. I see you’ve married your sister, you bastard, but we’ll take care of that later. We have to get rid of Mr. Hasselhoff first.

  Oh yeah? Just how will you do that, you Ian McKellen in drag?

  I’ll show you my boobs.

  Oh, for the love of God, Lizzie, have mercy on the poor man! He doesn’t deserve to die that way!

  Have mercy on me, you sickos! I’m leaving already so you all can continue your little freakshow! AAAAAAAA!

  Oh good, I thought he’d never leave.

  But… that leaves us with our screwed-up family tree…

  Oh yeah, about that… You sort out your own problems. I’m leaving. I’ve had my revenge. C’mon, Lizzie…

  I’m with you! Let’s go, hunnie! I’ve been reading the Kama Sutra, and I have a lot of things to show you…

  Nooooo! Dad! Mom! Don’t leave us! Don’t! No! Don’t… they left.

  Do you actually want them to act out the Kama Sutra in front of us?

  No, but I was hoping they’d find a way to get us out of this mess we’re in.

  I hate you very much.

  Hey, wanna get drunk instead so we can beat up strangers and little kids?

  Um… Ok.

  Awesome.

THE END