Hello there, dear reader. My name is Ade. And I run this blog. And I may or may not know you. You might be following my blog since time immemorial, or you may have just stumbled upon it from a couple of links here and there. Or maybe you’ve stumbled upon my site from Google.

Yes, Google. Now let’s talk. You see, dear reader who got to my site from Google, I’m getting really worried about you.

You see, I’ve been getting a deluge of really weird search terms that are really bordering from “weird” to “just plain fucking disturbing”. No, seriously. I run a humor blog here, dear visitor. I know that somebody mistook my site as pr0n and tagged it accordingly on StumbleUpon, but trust me, I’m trying to make sure my site is as family-friendly and as G-rated as possible.

(Also, by “family-friendly”, I’m talking about these guys, but whatev. Family schmamily. Semantics. Also, by G-rated, I’m talking about the use of shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits as often as possible, because, you know, kids need to start to learn these things early in life.)

So in my quest to keep my site as clean and as wholesome as possible, I am frankly disturbed by these search terms you have used to get to my blog:

  • i accidentally got turned into a girl – I honestly am curious as to what that means, and how you got accidentally turned into a girl. Did you walk into a gender-bending ray? Did you accidentally cut off your, erm, man bits? Or did you just wake up one day and realize that what you call a “penis” all along is actually what the rest of the world calls a “vajajay”? Please do tell.
  • can you get herpes on your stomach – I can only imagine the situation you are in, you poor soul who googled that. Sucks to be you.
  • manila sex bars 2008 – Check the URL of the link very carefully. It says “Google Australia”. Dear creepy possibly octogenarian Australian future sex tourist who’s been googling for shit like that to find in our beautiful third-world backwards country, stay the fuck away from our women. And little children. And cats.
  • telling your wife you have herpes – You know, buddy, it’s really not so hard. You can just go and say “Honey, remember that Thailand trip we took last year and I disappeared for a night? I actually went to Pattaya with a couple of drinking buddies for a night of debauchery. Imma scrimp on the details, but let’s say it involved two shemales, lots of beer, handcuffs, and a test tube. And remember, we’ve been making love lightly after that Thailand trip? Well, I just had myself tested and apparently I have herpes. Congratulations, you have herpes too! ON YOUR STOMACH!” There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
  • Maria Ozawa herpes – Okay, she’s hot, I have to give you that, and she’s probably the fantasy of every other sex-deprived geek who likes to collect Japanese pr0n, but come on, HERPES? MOTHERFUCKING HERPES?! ON MARIA OZAWA? YOU WANT HER TO GET HERPES?! Are you fucking serious? You owe me a punch. To your gut. If you don’t have herpes on your stomach.
  • fairy getting fucked – I can only imagine the guy who typed this. Some 30-year old basement dweller who likes to jack off to his World of Warcraft girlfriend,who keeps an astonishing array of fairy toys by his bedside. He wants to do the nasty with them, but seeing that the fairy toys are actually thimble-sized, he needs to get some pointers off the internets. Okay that was gross. I need to lay down first. TO DIE.
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So yeah, dear reader, I am really worried about your Google searches. Please do check with the nearest shrink, because you’re not being cute. You’re fucking creepy.

And you, normal reader who does not Google for shit like that, what creepy search terms do you get on your blog?