You’re sitting in your doctor’s office. The cheerfulness of the receptionist, the sunlight streaming through the windows like some cheesy movie, and the general normalcy of it all does nothing to assuage the clammy feeling you have in your stomach. That feeling that you usually get before something bad happens, just like the time you put your bird in the vacuum pump of that pool two years back. It’s been bugging you for the last week already, and you would like to know already what the hell is wrong with you.

The test results come in. You fear the worst, but you hold the test results in your hand, hoping against hope that your suspicions aren’t true. But there it is, that one word in bold black ink against the stark white paper.

Yes, just one word, and yet you feel your life has ended. That word is: POSITIVE.

CONGRATULATIONS! You have a herpes!

OH MY GOD A HERPES! But where did you get it? You think hard. There are only five possible sources of herpes in the world:

  • Penis
  • Blacks
  • That drunkard next door
  • Paris Hilton
  • Your mom

You, after herpes

I guess it’s time for you to prepare to live your new life as a herpate. The best way of living with herpes is to have secks. To spread the love around. But when you have herpes, there are only a select few you can have secks with:

  • Randy Jackson
  • Barbara Streisand
  • Hello Kitty
  • Blacks
  • Your mom

So you hide out in your room for the next few days. Why, you think, why must this horrid fate befall you? You think back to the time in kindergarten where you picked on those girls in the playground by biting off their dolls’ heads and setting their panties on fire. Why, those girls were so mad at you.

“You’re so mean,” they cried. “You’ll get herpes someday!”

“You bet I will,” you reply back. “FROM YOU!”

Well, whaddaya fucking know.

Also, now that you have herpes, in order to prevent the infection from spreading, you must refrain from having secks with:

  • Little kids
  • Dogs
  • Mexicans
  • Lindsay Lohan
  • Your mom

And because you are now part of The Herpes Club, I guess it’s about time we present you with this certificate… of Love.

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