I just realized that it’s only a few more days till Christmas, and I still haven’t shopped for a thing yet. So now I run the risk of losing a sizable number of friends, and I don’t want to lose any more especially after the last time I failed to give anybody anything for Christmas.

But the thing is, I’m sort of broke right now due to a certain really impulsive purchase I made around last week, and I’m contemplating robbing a bank or holding a head of state hostage so that I can afford to give anybody gifts. But everybody knows I am incapable of committing crime, so I’ll probably give head to random passers-by in a secluded Quiapo alleyway. But let’s just pretend I don’t do that and that I’m actually a dangerous convict who robs banks for the heck of it.

So I ran into the mall panting like crazy. It’s only a few days before Christmas. I’m becoming desperate, and time is running out. I need to get gifts. Fast. Before my friends kill me. As I get into the awesomely crowded department store I push about twenty people – including a pregnant woman, an iPod-wearing metro fag with a pink t-shirt on, and an elderly lady – out of my way.

I spotted a haggard-looking saleslady who immediately burst into a sprint the moment she saw me. She was probably tired of telling people where to get those butt-ugly-as-Satan’s-crotch Crocs. So instead of looking for another person, I did the only logical thing: I sped after her. After an hour or two of running, I was able to catch up with her, thanks to my pet monkeys who were able to capture her and bring her to a corner.

She seemed to be resigned to her fate, so she immediately asked me: “Okay, what is it that you want to buy?”

I replied with “Does your lowly store have what I need? Because I have searched high and low, far and near, left and right, and I have not been able to find the objects of my desire!”

“What? What the fuck are you on?”

“Shut up woman! Tell me where to get these objects of my longing! Or I’ll slap you with my dick!”

“Okay,” she sighed, “Tell me what you need and I’ll see if I could get it for you.”

And so I told her of the things I want to buy for my friends. I’m pretty sure these items are available at any mall:

  • For Steel, a reverse chasity belt to protect his tender behind now that he’s in the Middle East, a magical place where girly men like him get raped with impunity.
  • A potato peeler for Lauren to help with her domestication efforts.
  • For resident mogul Adam Mordo, a small non-virtual, non-warbook kingdom, complete with expendable peons, that he can play around and wage war with.
  • The owner of the Civic that scratched Baddie’s car. So he can take a second crack at it.
  • A sex doll for Bim, because, I dunno, he really needs one?
  • For Coco, five Big Macs. So that he’d get meat on his bones and we can make out– I mean go wall climbing. Yeah. Wall climbing. Shut up.
  • A pair of extra heavy duty but fashionable steel toe boots for Noelle so that she can kick hobbits around with ease.
  • A year’s subscription to Gospel Komiks for the salvation of Mike’s soul.
  • For Fritz, a magical sentient comb so that it can free his hands from combing duty and keep track of the latest hairtsyles for him.
  • For AlohaPenny, a two-way ticket for a weeklong trip to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, provided she can perfectly pronounce it. Thrice.
  • For Squid, a free trial session at an anger management class.
  • Sorsi will get a year’s supply of Growee. And a vibrator.
  • For Helga, a harem of men so she’d have something to do with her spare time.
  • For Ingrid, a “Spice Girls Greatest Hits” CD or something ghei liek that.
  • For Anne, a heart. Because she doesn’t have one. And she forced me to add this.
  • I’ll probably get Pau a secret identity so that he can do all his crimefighting duties with ease.

By the time I finish page one of my list, the saleslady’s face began to turn into an ugly shade of purple.

“You… stupid… “

“But woman,” I said “I’m not finished yet!”

“GET OUT OF HERE!” she screamed

“B–but..” I said, rather confused.

“GET OUT! OR ELSE I’LL CALL SECURITY!”

“You do not understand! The fate of my sex life depends on your help!” I pleaded.

“I DON’T FUCKING CARE! JUST GET OUT!” she shouted while she was tearing bunches of hair off her head.

“Oh I get it. You just want to keep those items that I will purchase for yourself, eh? You sneaky womanly sorcerer baby factory you!”

“I DO NOT WANT YOUR STUPID GIFTS! JUST. GET. OUT!”

At this point I was stunned. How could this woman, aside from being so far away from the nearest kitchen, not offer me any help? She just stood in front of me, in her overly layered make-up, glaring like she was pissed or something. I didn’t know women can get pissed. Wow.

“Why are you still standing there,” she said, “when I asked you to leave five minutes ago?! LEAVE! NOW!”

“It– it’s because I’m Asian, isn’t it?”

EPILOGUE:
So I was able to escape the store after the unhelpful saleslady sent around twenty fully armed guards at me. I wasted my day at that mall, and I still don’t have any gifts whatsoever for my friends. I guess it’s about time I think about digging up that foxhole.

So what about your Christmas shopping? Done with it already or just about to start?

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