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Last night found me outside my house, sitting in a lounge chair in my balcony, sipping margaritas with my harem of hot and willing women in bikinis, waiting for a single meteorite from the Leonid Meteor Shower to show up ["But Ade, you don't have a balcony in real life, much less-" "Shut up, Journalistic Integrity, I'm trying to write something truthful here, damn you"]. You see, in my smog-riddled part of the metro, looking up will not only ensure bird poop landing straight in your eyes (what can I say, the birds here are assholes) but it gives you nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Kinda like this

Which kinda sucked, because it took me some time to bring out this lounge chair and pay these women to stand in my imaginary balcony. But sitting here will yield me nothing, except bird shit in my left eye. Maybe I need a pair of binoculars. (more…)

There’s this small cafeteria I go to during lunch time. Aside from the fact that the food there tastes more or less home-cooked, the price is perfect for a cheapskate like me. Also, the building where the cafeteria is located is a few buildings away from my office and the place is infested with hot women. Is there a rule where all the hot women of Ortigas Center stay in that one building and they all avoid the place where this fat sweaty dude works?

Since the food there is cheap, I usually get a bad case of the gas after lunch time. I usually deal with this by silently releasing it in a series of small farts on the way back to the office. When I get back to my cubicle, I sit with a satisfied grin on my face, content that my little spurts of doom went by unnoticed.

Unrelated picture is unrelated

Anyway, the cafeteria is on the second floor. To save time, I don’t use the elevator and instead I go up the fire exit, because using the elevator to go up one floor is one of the most annoyingly stupid things on my list. (more…)

Dear dude who was fingering his girlfriend on the MRT,

First off, I applaud you. It takes much effort to doodle the noodle in public. Really. I mean, with all the people around seeing you excavate the Tunnel of Love, it takes guts. You’ve got balls of steel to solder on while people turn away in disgust.

You see, I was beside you today while waiting for the train. You, me, your girlfriend, and a huge crowd. I kinda knew you were double-clicking her mouse because she was squirming all over the damn place. Hiding her crotch with her big-ass bag was a nice touch, though. It really made the scene more obvious, but still, nice touch.

No, I wasn’t talking about your touch. Ass.

So finally, the train entered the station (hyuk, hyuk, I made a funneh) and I tried to get away as far from you two as possible. Goddammit, why the hell did you two decide to get a seat in front of me where I can see you two flip the light switch repeatedly? And OF COURSE you had to stop digging in so you two can put on shades. Yeah, like that’ll hide your identity. Very subtle, really. (more…)

Today I am taking a break from retardery and updating you about my latest embarrassment and/or sexual misdemeanour by showing you the greatest thing that was ever invented. No, it’s not the wheel, or even the combustion engine. Atomic bomb? Not even close. Beer? Well, beer’s important, but not close.

Ladies and gents, I present the amazing laptop-humping dog:

You may stare at it for a while and wonder what the heck does it do. Does it save your files? Does it cure cancer? Does it work as a contraceptive? Does it hack into the pentagon’s computer system and start off a thermodynamic nuclear war? (more…)

Hai gais. My name’s David Hasselhoff. I’m here to inform you that much to my regret, Ade has been taken over by a nasty case of writer’s block and has problems updating his blog.

So he asked me to fill in for him. Oh joy! You and I will be spending quality time together!

I mean, think of the possibilities. We can talk about Baywatch, Knight Rider, swimming trunks, and banana guards.

Hi my name is Steven Seagal and just like David here I’ve been asked- GOOD LORD MAN DID YOU JUST SAY BANANA GUARDS?

(more…)

Hello there, dear reader. My name is Ade. And I run this blog. And I may or may not know you. You might be following my blog since time immemorial, or you may have just stumbled upon it from a couple of links here and there. Or maybe you’ve stumbled upon my site from Google.

Yes, Google. Now let’s talk. You see, dear reader who got to my site from Google, I’m getting really worried about you.

… ’sup?

 

You see, I’ve been getting a deluge of really weird search terms that are really bordering from “weird” to “just plain fucking disturbing”. No, seriously. I run a humor blog here, dear visitor. I know that somebody mistook my site as pr0n and tagged it accordingly on StumbleUpon, but trust me, I’m trying to make sure my site is as family-friendly and as G-rated as possible.

(Also, by “family-friendly”, I’m talking about these guys, but whatev. Family schmamily. Semantics. Also, by G-rated, I’m talking about the use of shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits as often as possible, because, you know, kids need to start to learn these things early in life.) (more…)

Sometimes, I swear, there is a big conspiracy that purports to make little kids a sex-crazed generation. How, you may ask? You see, toys like Bratz teach little girls how to dress as skankily as possible, Dora Aquapets make for very private bedroom fun for all ages, and childhood heroes like Jamie Lynn Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton could actually testify that alcoholism, teenage pregnancy, and uploading sex videos on the internet are actually cool.

So where does it all bring us? Just the other day I was taking a leisurely stroll in a mall when I chanced upon this toy:

A Spider-Man web flicker pack. You have a webslinger and some rubber webs, and then you flick them all over the place, much to the chagrin of your folks. “Oh look! Our son’s throwing away expensive molded rubber all over the place! I bet we’ll never get to find some of those things and our cat will probably choke on them and die and we’ll all go to jail for cruelty to animals or something. Way to go, son!”

Looks innocent, right? Wrong. (more…)