Noisy, Noisy Man

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Last night found me outside my house, sitting in a lounge chair in my balcony, sipping margaritas with my harem of hot and willing women in bikinis, waiting for a single meteorite from the Leonid Meteor Shower to show up ["But Ade, you don't have a balcony in real life, much less-" "Shut up, Journalistic Integrity, I'm trying to write something truthful here, damn you"]. You see, in my smog-riddled part of the metro, looking up will not only ensure bird poop landing straight in your eyes (what can I say, the birds here are assholes) but it gives you nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Kinda like this

Which kinda sucked, because it took me some time to bring out this lounge chair and pay these women to stand in my imaginary balcony. But sitting here will yield me nothing, except bird shit in my left eye. Maybe I need a pair of binoculars. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear dude who was fingering his girlfriend on the MRT,

First off, I applaud you. It takes much effort to doodle the noodle in public. Really. I mean, with all the people around seeing you excavate the Tunnel of Love, it takes guts. You’ve got balls of steel to solder on while people turn away in disgust.

You see, I was beside you today while waiting for the train. You, me, your girlfriend, and a huge crowd. I kinda knew you were double-clicking her mouse because she was squirming all over the damn place. Hiding her crotch with her big-ass bag was a nice touch, though. It really made the scene more obvious, but still, nice touch.

No, I wasn’t talking about your touch. Ass.

So finally, the train entered the station (hyuk, hyuk, I made a funneh) and I tried to get away as far from you two as possible. Goddammit, why the hell did you two decide to get a seat in front of me where I can see you two flip the light switch repeatedly? And OF COURSE you had to stop digging in so you two can put on shades. Yeah, like that’ll hide your identity. Very subtle, really. Read the rest of this entry »

Today I am taking a break from retardery and updating you about my latest embarrassment and/or sexual misdemeanour by showing you the greatest thing that was ever invented. No, it’s not the wheel, or even the combustion engine. Atomic bomb? Not even close. Beer? Well, beer’s important, but not close.

Ladies and gents, I present the amazing laptop-humping dog:

You may stare at it for a while and wonder what the heck does it do. Does it save your files? Does it cure cancer? Does it work as a contraceptive? Does it hack into the pentagon’s computer system and start off a thermodynamic nuclear war? Read the rest of this entry »

Hello there, dear reader. My name is Ade. And I run this blog. And I may or may not know you. You might be following my blog since time immemorial, or you may have just stumbled upon it from a couple of links here and there. Or maybe you’ve stumbled upon my site from Google.

Yes, Google. Now let’s talk. You see, dear reader who got to my site from Google, I’m getting really worried about you.

… ’sup?

 

You see, I’ve been getting a deluge of really weird search terms that are really bordering from “weird” to “just plain fucking disturbing”. No, seriously. I run a humor blog here, dear visitor. I know that somebody mistook my site as pr0n and tagged it accordingly on StumbleUpon, but trust me, I’m trying to make sure my site is as family-friendly and as G-rated as possible.

(Also, by “family-friendly”, I’m talking about these guys, but whatev. Family schmamily. Semantics. Also, by G-rated, I’m talking about the use of shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits as often as possible, because, you know, kids need to start to learn these things early in life.) Read the rest of this entry »

I got this very, very interesting piece of news over at the Nigerian Tribune:

WHAT could be described as a fairy tale turned real on Wednesday in Port Harcourt, Rivers State, as a cat allegedly turned into a middle-aged woman after being hit by a commercial motorcycle (Okada) on Aba/Port Harcourt Expressway.

Nigerian Tribune learnt that three cats were crossing the busy road when the okada ran over one of them which immediately turned into a woman. This strange occurrence quickly attracted people around who descended on the animals. One of them, it was learnt, was able to escape while the third one was beaten to death, still as a cat though.

According to a source who witnessed what happened, the cat-woman said she and the two other cat-fellows had travelled from Abuja to Port Harcourt to kill three people. “The woman said they came to Port Harcourt from Abuja and that they came to kill three people. She said they had succeeded in killing two people, but the third person, whom I guess might be a pastor, was difficult for them and that they were preparing to go back to Abuja,” said the source.

…Right.

Let me stop for a moment and let it sink first. Think about it. An assassin. A cat assassin. A cat assassin that turns into a woman. A cat assassin woman being given police protection to prevent the mob from getting to her.

 

I know. ZOMGOMGWTFRITE?

A cat turning into Halle Berry. I totally believe. Read the rest of this entry »