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INNER CHILD: So, Ade, what are your New Year’s resolutions for 2010?
ME: I dunno kid, I’m not really into making resolutions.
INNER CHILD: WHAT? You suck. Don’t be a fucking fornicating shit-eating faggot and try to improve yourself for the new decade!
ME: … that has got to be the most obscene stream of words I’ve ever heard coming out of your mouth.
INNER CHILD: Even more obscene than “horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface?” Because that’s what I think whenever I hear your name.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: In case you haven’t figured it out, it’s because I think you’re a horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: So, make a new year’s resolution already, you asshole. Try to make your life suck less this 2010. I know you got a new laptop and all you wanna do is to tweak the shit out of it and kill zombies with plants, but come on, you’re better than that. Read the rest of this entry »
Happy New Year! This is a new beginning, people! New year! New DECADE!
I was enjoying answering all those silly funny Formspring questions a random stranger would often throw my way, until one day I woke up with a massive hangover and no memory whatsoever of what happened the night before. All I know is that I was on my computer, happily drunk-typing the night away. I immediately opened up my browsing history, and what I saw scared the beejeebus out of me:
Dear Ashley,
Hi. Remember me? I’m Ade. Am I glad to find you here on Formspring! We met back in college. Remember the party that Lloyd threw? The one where Sheena ended up puking all over your dress? That’s the one I was talking about. I just want you to know that I spiked Sheena’s orange juice. Didn’t know she had a low alcohol tolerance. Sorry.
Also, yeah, I know I had whiskey dick that night, and you promised to call me back once we’re sober but you never did. What the heck is up with that? Read the rest of this entry »
“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! So, kid, what do you want to find in your stockings this holiday season? Come on and sit on my la-” the mall employee dressed as Santa abruptly stopped in the middle of his sentence as he looked up and saw that it was my turn. I was grinning enthusiastically as I waved at him.
“Yo, yo, yo, dude. Stop. Stop it.” the Santa said. “Aren’t you… a little too old for this?”
“What are you talking about?” I shot back. “I lined up in here fair and square! You can never be too old for Santa Claus!”
“What the heck happened to your childhood, buddy? Everyone knows Santa Claus is-”
“Fake? Dude, you’re going to ruin Christmas for these children. Tone it down a little.”
Santa scratched his head quizzically and mumbled, “I swear there was a sign outside that said ‘For children up to age 13 only’ there. After that little runt tried to poop on my outfit the other day, I thought I’ve gotten the worst-”
Little does this mall employee dressed as Santa know that this was actually my fifth attempt to line up at the “Tell Santa Your Wishes!” booth at this mall.
The first time had me bringing in a couple of screwdrivers. What I didn’t know is that they have guard dogs roaming the mall at night. You can probably tell how it ended. Then I tried bribing a few mall employees in various ways (I’m not at liberty to speak of this but I won’t confirm nor deny that it involved lots of thousand-peso bills and offers of oral sex to various people of ambiguous gender) but that didn’t work out as well.
So today I just walked up and gave a black eye to the fucker who was telling me to move it because the parents might think I’m a creepy sexual predator. After pushing ten security guards out of the way, I made my way towards Santa. Read the rest of this entry »
