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Movie Review: Avatar

Ade — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 05:28:22 +0000

So I was supposed to watch James Cameron’s comeback film, Avatar, last weekend. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I wasn’t able to make it to the last full show. I’m not supposed to tell you the details, but it involved a velociraptor and Jesus. I’d like to tell you more, but I promised the cops I won’t talk about that again. But the whole point is that I’m supposed to be writing a review about this film that I haven’t even seen, and I’m panicking the shit out. In an act of desperation, I open up a torrent website, and search for and download Avatar.

Now I don’t have a way to figure out if I did get the real thing. But then, the movie’s going to be about a bunch of half-naked blue men prancing around, saying stuff in gibberish, while being totally epic in the signature James Cameron way. If I see one blue guy in the film, then I’m pretty sure it’s Avatar, right? There can’t be too many films featuring blue guys. So I double-click the movie file, slouch in my chair for a few hours of cinematic bliss, and watch as blue-skinned CGI people wage war against- wait, what the fuck?(...)

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Review: Turtles Forever

Ade — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:28:43 +0000

Before we go on to the review, I’m running this little contest. The details are at the very end of this blog entry. So read on!

I don’t know about you, but I’m a big TMNT fan. Well, not big enough to make me collect the comics and have Turtle-themed pillowcases to sleep on every night (that honor is reserved solely for Batman), but you get my drift. I did, however, wear TMNT sneakers (it’s green, with the soles pattered after their shells and it’s got a freaking pump!) and I ate that cereal that turned the milk green. Yes, I thought it was a good idea back then.

Anyway, what I really mean to say is I saw the much-awaited made-for-DVD movie, Turtles Forever. And I fucking loved it.

I have to warn you though: I’ll be putting in spoilers at this point.(...)

Click here to read the rest of Review: Turtles Forever (689 words)

Nokia E63 Review

Ade — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 09:53:42 +0000

My previous blog entry got a grand total of zero comments. Except maybe for that Nigerian dude who wanted to give me his riches for a small price (I’m wiring him my life savings as we speak) and that Japanese girl who wanted me to install this program so I can see her tits. Right now, I’m kind of distracted because as I’m running the installer, all my anti virus programs are going haywire with all sorts of apocalyptic warnings of doom. I can’t concentrate on the tits I’m about to see, dammit.

Tits

Anyway, yeah. Blog. No comments. Zilch. Nada. Hence, I spent like five hours on the phone with Marck complaining about people not caring at all about the impending Zombie Apocalypse. After realizing that all he made are empathic grunts, I threatened to break into an animal shelter and look for the cutest kitten and step on it as he looked. It was by then he decided to speak up. The following conversation ensued:

“Ade, that Zombie article sucked,” he sighed.

“NOT LISTENING I’M GOOGLING FOR THE NEAREST ANIMAL SHELTER NOW”

“Ade, you gotta listen to me. I have the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Best Commentary Blog ™ and I get posts with zero comments all the time!”

“AHA FOUND ONE NOW I’M LOOKING UP THE ADDRESS IN GOOGLE MAPS”

“Ade-”

“GOING THERE TO PICK UP A KITTEN I’LL DROP BY YOUR HOUSE IN AN HOUR I’M WEARING STEEL TOE BOOTS”(...)

Click here to read the rest of Nokia E63 Review (508 words)

Review: Knowing

Ade — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 03:51:35 +0000

Where do I start?

When I walked into the mall to watch Knowing, I saw a poster that had text written on 3/4 of it, vaguely trying to explain the movie’s plot. Wait. Why do you need to explain the movie’s plot on a poster with a paragraph? That was red flag #1.

Then, I saw this, in big letters: “From Summit, the makers of Twilight.” That does not bode well.

On paper, I thought it was an awesome concept: a bunch of numbers, buried in the ground via a time capsule, predicts various catastrophes. The numbers are so accurate that it tells you the the date, number of deaths, and exact location of the said catastrophes.(...)

Click here to read the rest of Review: Knowing (289 words)

Review: Watchmen

Ade — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 04:59:35 +0000

This is how I describe Watchmen: IT FUCKING ROCKED.

Because every poster needs to have somebody beating the shit out of a 67-year old guy.

Yes, amazingly, the guy who brought the fun, yet ultimately brainless film “300,” was able to bring the most important graphic novel (a.k.a. sequential art’s BIBLE) to the big screen. It’s not perfect, but this is the closest adaptation anybody could possibly come up with. And my boner is satisfied.

But before I go on with the rest of the review, please indulge me as I rant a bit about the R-13 with cuts rating that the movie got in the Philippines. So they left in the gratuitous violence, the nudity, and heck, they even left in Dr. Manhattan’s blue uncircumcised wang, but they had to cut out most of the sex scene? Seriously? So it’s ok that 13-year olds see lots of blood splattering and bones being broken and a guy being fried in boiling oil, but not the sex? Really?!
(...)

Click here to read the rest of Review: Watchmen (242 words)

Review: The Machine Girl

Ade — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:52:01 +0000

When you ask me what my favorite movie is, I’d probably stay quiet for a while and give you some pretentious artsy shit like City of God, or even the incomprehensible Babel to impress you. And if you happen to possess a vagina, I’d probably even name Orson Welles and Akira Kurosawa as my favorite directors so I can get into your pants, even though my only experience with these directors was when I snored through Citizen Kane and when I wanked off at the rape scene in Rashomon. (Shut up. 1950’s Japanese rape scene is STILL a Japanese rape scene.)

Yeah, I name all those films I can even barely understand so I can pass off as an artsy dude who gets all the ladies who swoon at a film freak. So far, I managed to nail one: Joan, the girl who sells popcorn at the Cineplex in SM San Lazaro, and she technically doesn’t have a vajajay. Also, Joan may or may not be her real name. For all we know, it might be “Juan”, but I refuse to elaborate any further.(...)

Click here to read the rest of Review: The Machine Girl (375 words)

The Dark Knight

Ade — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:47:44 +0000

There’s this thing about raised expectations. I remember when I spent a year anticipating Spider-Man 3, following every single bit of news about it. My expectations were raised to an all-time high when watched it. Then I got Peter Parker dancing in the streets. Boo.

Which brings us to The Dark Knight. I’ve been so stoked by Batman Begins that I was looking for a sequel already the moment I saw it. So imagine me expecting a movie for three years. The goddamn expectations alone are giving me a nosebleed.

Basically, I was expecting too much of The Dark Knight that I was afraid that it was going to suck.(...)

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Iron Man in 5 Minutes

Ade — Fri, 02 May 2008 07:47:07 +0000

IRON MAN IN 5 MINUTES

FADE IN:

EXT. INSIDE AN APC CRUISING THROUGH AFGHANISTAN - DAY

TONY STARK is flirting with some SOLDIERS

		TONY STARK
	Hi, I'm Tony Stark. You might know me
	as Robert Downey Jr. and I'm perfect
	for this role because I'm an alcoholic.

		SOLDIERS
	OMG we're in the same van as Robert
	Downey Jr! Let's all fanboy him and do
	kawaii signs because we're idiots and
	we'll die within the next 3 minutes!

The APC in front of them explodes. The soldiers try to
protect TONY STARK the best way they could- by getting
killed and leaving TONY STARK to fend for himself.

(...)

Click here to read the rest of Iron Man in 5 Minutes (423 words)

Hamlet (I Don’t Have an Imaginative Title. Whatev)

Ade — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 14:43:01 +0000

My earliest memory of Shakespeare was way back in 1993 when our driver, nicknamed “Shakespeare”, barged into my room in the middle of the night when I was asleep and- wait. Not that.

My other early Shakespeare memory was when I did my grade three book report on Romeo and Juliet. No, seriously. Well, actually, I was supposed to do my book report on Hardy Boys Casefiles #1: Dead on Target, but I saw that old, battered copy of Romeo and Juliet on the shelf right next to Rambo: First Blood. Yeah, leave it to me to pick up a sissified love story over Rambo awesomeness.

Yeah, I was stupid. As stupid as this:

So I read the play, and I understood it as much as a grade three student would: not much. So i ended up writing a book report which I was saying “What the fuck am I doing” every three minutes or so. I mean, seriously. “Thou wast never with me for any thing when thou wast not there for the goose”? What was Shakespeare smoking?

Also, I flunked the book report.

So began my lifelong hatred of anything Shakespeare. Sorry William, I know we share the same birthday, but you bore me to death. The fact that I saw an extremely lifeless and boring rendition of a Filipino translation of As You Like It back in college didn’t help.

Now that I’m done with the obligatory long-ass boring intro, I can now get into the real reason for this article. I was invited by Lorna Lopez to watch Repertory Philippines‘ latest offering, a reimagined production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet.(...)

Click here to read the rest of Hamlet (I Don’t Have an Imaginative Title. Whatev) (552 words)

I Went to the Trinoma Bloggers Food Tour and I Got Nothing to Show for It

Ade — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:18:03 +0000

So I was writing about the recent Trinoma Blogger Food Tour which I recently participated in, right? I was in the middle of a five-paragraph, 1,500 word article which I slaved over for two days already.

I actually wrote an awesome entry about the awesome people I hung out with (Lauren, Fritz, Noemi, Juned, Jayvee, Jonas, Eric, AJ) and the awesome people I met (Kring, Coy, Dementia, and that girl blogger in glasses who I never actually got to know the name of but I made a fool out of myself in front of her all the same), the awesome band Sound (which, incidentally, is my favorite band – read my review of their 2nd album) and of course the food! Food, glorious food!

I mean, just look at this nifty piece of kit:

SCROTUM BREAD!

I mean, they even come in pairs! Exactly just like scrotum! Talk about awesome, right?(...)

Click here to read the rest of I Went to the Trinoma Bloggers Food Tour and I Got Nothing to Show for It (770 words)