Noisy, Noisy Man

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Last night found me outside my house, sitting in a lounge chair in my balcony, sipping margaritas with my harem of hot and willing women in bikinis, waiting for a single meteorite from the Leonid Meteor Shower to show up ["But Ade, you don't have a balcony in real life, much less-" "Shut up, Journalistic Integrity, I'm trying to write something truthful here, damn you"]. You see, in my smog-riddled part of the metro, looking up will not only ensure bird poop landing straight in your eyes (what can I say, the birds here are assholes) but it gives you nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Kinda like this

Which kinda sucked, because it took me some time to bring out this lounge chair and pay these women to stand in my imaginary balcony. But sitting here will yield me nothing, except bird shit in my left eye. Maybe I need a pair of binoculars. Read the rest of this entry »

So, a few months after the last facelift, Facebook once again changed their layout. And, frankly, people aren’t too happy with the change. So goes another round of interweb bitching about Facebook’s new layout, even if the site is for free and they can do whatever they want with how the site looks. Heck, they can even put a big slab of bacon on the site and they should be able to get away with it.

This is how Facebook should look like, forever.

As I’ve been following the updates of people trying to deal with the new layout, (yes, “deal.” It’s life-changing, didn’t you know?) I’ve noticed a pattern. People go through stages when trying to deal with this major tragedy called “Facebook changed its layout, holy shit, my life is over.”

Denial

One day, you log on to Facebook, and the layout has changed. it’s no longer the familliar layout you were used to from yesterday. You stare at the screen in shock. You press F5 continuously, hoping that the old layout will go back after a while. You refuse to accept the change.

Anger

There has got to be somebody to blame. You are seething with anger. You need somebody to hit. You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” Read the rest of this entry »

Man, your last attempt to steal my wallet was a dismal failure. I have never seen a pickpocket crash and burn so spectacularly in my life. How can you expect to feed your children with stolen money if your continue to work that way?

But don’t worry, unlike your other victims, I won’t laugh at your failure or kick you in the balls or report you to the cops even though the temptation was so much. In fact, I’m taking the high road, buddy. I’m going to show you where exactly you went wrong so you can successfully pick the pockets of other hapless MRT commuters in the future.

• Blending in – If you plan to steal some guy’s hard-earned pay, you need to be discreet. Nobody would suspect somebody who just blends in the background. And honestly, dude, your getup needs a little work.

  Clearly, a guy who looks like a redneck would stick out like a sore thumb, because – I hate to break this to you – there aren’t too many rednecks here in our third world country, much less people who dress like one.

  So dude, piece of advice: if you plan on not getting suspected, ditch the beard, the stupid trucker cap that’s two sizes too small, and the beer belly. Also if you try to be less ugly, that’ll help a lot.

Read the rest of this entry »

Random memory from 18 years ago:

Apparently, I thought I was born in the year of the rabbit and had a strange obsession with the animal. Hell, I even thought my buck teeth were indicative of the fact that I am a rabbit made man (let’s keep away from the awkward furry implications from that last statement and we’d all be happy campers, people). Anyway, this strange obsession with rabbits made 7-year old me go hop around the house and make rabbit noises. This apparently drove my folks crazy, because next thing I knew they bought me a big white rabbit. No, really, the rabbit was fucking huge. Read the rest of this entry »

You see the vast expanse of urban decay. You see an endless road, cluttered with tricycles, jeepneys, taxis, and various vehicles. In the horizon you see an impressive skyline of buildings, and at their feet you see a pile of makeshift homes made of used tires and rusted corrugated metal. And everything is coated with a think layer of smog and cigarette smoke.

Welcome, my friend, to Metro Manila.

It may look benign from a distance, but I swear, you will get killed if you are not careful.  Metro Manila is home to various types of creatures, harmless and predatory, and you will lose your belongings (like an unviolated asshole, among other things) if you let your guard down for even just a moment. What you, need, kid, is a guide to guide you through the dirty and dangerous streets of Manila in spite of your naiveté. Read the rest of this entry »